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Post by althea on Apr 27, 2024 12:04:48 GMT
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
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Post by althea on Apr 27, 2024 12:05:18 GMT
My puns are so bad I was put in the Witless Protection Programme.
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Post by althea on Apr 28, 2024 13:58:19 GMT
Last year I had a great joke about inflation - but it's hardly worth it now......
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Post by althea on Apr 28, 2024 13:59:02 GMT
Any room is a panic room, if you lose your phone in it.
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Post by althea on Apr 28, 2024 14:02:38 GMT
We live in a world where Pizza gets to your house faster than the Police.
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Post by althea on Apr 28, 2024 14:03:44 GMT
If I was doing any better, I'd have to employ someone to help me enjoy it.
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Post by althea on Apr 28, 2024 14:05:58 GMT
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
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Post by althea on Apr 28, 2024 14:06:51 GMT
Love is telling someone to go to Hell and then worrying about them getting there safely.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 29, 2024 10:34:10 GMT
I went into a caravan showroom the other day and said to the salesman:
"I'd like to buy a motorhome."
He said "Camper?"
I said "Oooo, get you, I'd like to buy a motorhome, sweety."
___
"What am I going to do?" cried my tearful elderly relative.
"My winter allowance won't cover my gas bill?"
"But it is rather large, have you had the heating on full blast or something?" I exclaimed.
"Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and stuff for some people," she sniffled.
"But the bill's nearly 43 grand!" I scoffed.
"Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?"
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Just off to fix Cat Stevens caravan.
Awning has broken.
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Paddy meets a girl at a disco. Paddy says: "Is it alright If I walk you home later on?"
The girl replies: "Yes, but no funny business, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
Paddy says: "That's alright, I'll follow you on my moped."
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A farmer is out checking his fields when he comes across a man dancing naked in front of some farm machinery. 'Hey, what on earth are you doing?' he exclaims. 'Sorry, it's just that my other half and I haven't been getting on well in the bedroom,' the man explains.'So my therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'
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I was out with my metal detector today.
I had dug over 20 holes before l remembered l was wearing steel toe cap boots.
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I think it's awful and disgusting the way people treat Lance Armstrong after all he did, winning seven Tour De France while competing on drugs.
When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike let alone get on it.
___
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Post by althea on May 1, 2024 15:08:00 GMT
Someone has ripped the fifth month out of my calendar..
I'm dismayed
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Post by rondetto on May 2, 2024 10:32:06 GMT
Put all my dogging gear up for sale on eBay.Haven’t had any bids yet, but there are 12 people watching. ___
I've just noticed that People that have the most birthdays tend to live the longest. ___
They’re making redundancies at the meat factory I work at. It looks like I’m for the chop. ___
Does anyone know how long you cook these boil-in-the-bag fish you win at the Funfair? ___
I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...
I don’t know 'y'. ___
It takes the human body 24 hours to turn food into crap.
McDonald’s do it in 10 minutes. ___
I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered. ___
My mate said to me 'You've put a lot of weight on'
I said 'I've had a lot on my plate recently.
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Post by rondetto on May 5, 2024 10:27:47 GMT
When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?"
"Sure son, you go ahead".
So I sold it!
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A guy lives with his wife in the same little town where they both grew up.
He has a job in the same town, and occasionally, on his walk home from work, he goes into the bookstore and sneaks a look at “The Joy of Sex” to find a new position to try with his wife.
So one evening he arrives home and tells his wife, “I’ve got a new one for us.”
“What is it?” she says.
“Well, it’s called the Wheelbarrow. Remember when we were kids and you would walk on your hands while I walked behind, holding your legs up? It’s like that.”
She says, “I’ll do it, on two conditions. One, if I start to feel uncomfortable at all, we stop.”
“Of course, sweetheart. And what else?”
“We don’t go past my mum’s house.”
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The only time i ever get asked for sex these days is on application forms.
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A really ugly fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"
"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.
"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"
"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."
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I don't see why we should have to pay to go on the bus when the Drivers already going that way anyway!
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Darth vader had a corrupt brother called... (drumroll...) taxi vader.
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Yorkshireman goes in to a chemist in Barnsley. "Now lad, as thee got sum *** cream? Chemist says "Next door, e does a lovly strawbry softie"
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A man is sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby wont take it so she says, ''Come on, eat it all up or I'll feed it to this nice man''. Ten minutes later the baby still wont breastfeed, so the woman again says, ''Come on darling, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!'' To which the man said, ''Listen lady, could you please make your mind up, I should have got off 4 stops ago''
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I bought my wife a bag and a belt for her birthday. The Hoover works perfectly now.
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Post by rondetto on May 8, 2024 15:39:48 GMT
Just bought a humpty dumpty toy from Aldi.
It's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.
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Managed to get hold of a box of counterfeit Mr Kipling Apple tarts.
They're exceedingly good fakes.
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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels.
As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat.
He sits on a chair by the campfire, grabs a laptop, and hides behind it.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "You mean the one that screwed the lion?"
The lion exclaims, "Oh my god! It’s on YouTube already"
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The only thing I take seriously in newspapers nowadays is Fish and Chips.
And even then I take with a pinch of salt.
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer's really *** up now."
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When I was baptised, the vicar wore a fake moustache..it was a blessing in disguise!
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An advert in the newspaper today says that: The Flat Earth Society welcomes members from around the globe!
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I have a couple of sock puppets for sale, If anyone wants to take them off my hands.
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A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning. First, he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour.
To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked, "Why don’t you just throw out the pest?"
“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, "we don’t even have an air conditioner.”
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My mate said to me 'Do you like wearing that hi vis jacket all the time?'
I said 'l wouldn't be seen without it!'
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