|
Post by rondetto on Apr 10, 2024 14:10:23 GMT
A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a solicitor for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack goes next: "My dad's a doctor. He makes sick people better."
All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.
The teacher asks him, "What does your dad do?"
Walter replies, "My dad's dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet."
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Apr 12, 2024 12:43:51 GMT
Shaun and Patrick are on a cruise ship. "It's awful quiet on the deck tonight," says Shaun.
Patrick says: "Maybe they're all listening to the band."
"What band, there isn't one." says Shaun.
Patrick says: "I'm sure I heard someone say A Band On ship."
___
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the wood for it."
___
During their anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The husband replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
___
I went to the doctor and he told me “Don’t eat anything fatty“. I told him “Don’t call me fatty“.
___
|
|
|
Post by ARENA on Apr 12, 2024 14:41:36 GMT
I bake the best bread in the world.
Oh yeh , go on then prove it!
|
|
|
Post by ARENA on Apr 13, 2024 12:08:11 GMT
Agent: I've got you a part in a big epic you play the husband , who's been married for 45 years.
Actor: Great but couldn't you get me a speaking part.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2024 12:45:51 GMT
Summer school holidays were over and young Jack returned to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
___
I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn't like it.
Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.
___
It has been estimated that over 70% of women have used vibrators,
The other 30% buy new ones.
___
Mick and paddy start a removal business, paddy is struggling up the road with a wardrobe on his back a friend asks "Where’s mick I thought he was helping you?" Paddy replies "He is he’s in the wardrobe holding the clothes up!"
___
Paddy just landed a new job fitting mirrors on bedroom wardrobes and bathrooms. On reflection It's just something he could see himself doing!
___
My mate asked me 'How much does your wife spend on a bottle of wine?'
I said about 20 minutes!
___
"I have travelled just about all over the world."
"Wow, you must know geography well?"
"Oh yes, I spent 2 months there once."
___
I saw a council worker tread on a snail. I asked him why he did that.
He said it had been following him round all morning.
___
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 14, 2024 17:57:47 GMT
I just found a pen on the pavement outside. It must have been mine anyway, because when I tried it, it was in my handwriting
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 14, 2024 17:58:16 GMT
A friend of mine has asked if I could help re-turf an entire field so he can stage a civil war re-enactment at the weekend. Sod that for a game of soldiers.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 14, 2024 17:59:08 GMT
Sometimes, I use words I don't understand, so I can sound more photosynthesis.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 14, 2024 18:00:11 GMT
People love my voice when I sing Tenor. Ten or twenty miles away.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 14, 2024 18:00:34 GMT
I just picked up the new book on Owls. It's hoot off the presses.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 14, 2024 18:00:57 GMT
People can't drive you crazy - if you don't give them the keys....
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 14, 2024 18:02:10 GMT
I sent away some saliva for a DNA test and found an ancestor who's the spitting image of me.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 15, 2024 12:51:00 GMT
My wife says she's leaving me because I'm over confident and arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Apr 15, 2024 15:35:50 GMT
My wife and l decided we would never go to bed annoyed at each other.
We've been sitting up since Tuesday.
___
Just went into the shop and said "Can I pay by card? He said "No problem, what card do you have?"
I said "The six of spades.."
___
“Hello, police department? I’ve lost my cat and… "
“I'm sorry lady, but this is not a police job, you can try calling…"
“But you don’t understand, this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.”
“Well, in that case ma'am, you’d better hang up. He may be trying to call you right now.”
___
|
|
|
Post by althea on Apr 17, 2024 10:55:02 GMT
Albert Einstein was a genius but his brother, Frank, was a monster…
|
|