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Post by althea on Apr 4, 2024 14:47:36 GMT
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor doesn't work if you have a two second dog.
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Post by althea on Apr 4, 2024 14:48:15 GMT
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 5, 2024 13:30:47 GMT
I was told I can look at an eclipse with a colander! I tried and it strained my eyes!
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I bought a suit jacket from the mamas and the papas,
all the sleeves were brown and the tie was grey.
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They had too look around for a translator in the benefits office today.
Some stupid idiot came in speaking English.
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A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, "Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!"
"You clot. That's my daughter you're talking about!" the person responds.
"Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father."
"I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm her mother."
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Post by althea on Apr 6, 2024 11:45:35 GMT
Me: Do you remember Shaw Taylor, the fella on a tv programme called Police 5 ? Friend: Yes, he was always giving warnings of thieves selling various stolen goods Me: That's him, apparently he had an accident today Friend: Oh, what happened? Me: He fell off the back of a Lorry
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Post by althea on Apr 6, 2024 12:14:24 GMT
Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs onto his body. When he recovered he decided to pursue his love of music and performed in the local scene as Simon and Halfuncle.
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Post by althea on Apr 6, 2024 12:16:50 GMT
It's been my experience, and correct me if I'm wrong.............If you allow someone the Shenan once, they will Shenanigan.................
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Post by althea on Apr 6, 2024 12:18:46 GMT
Running into stationary objects can be very painful, according to a recent pole.
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Post by althea on Apr 6, 2024 12:21:11 GMT
Device means a gadget that is large. Gizmo means a gadget that is small. Doohickey means a gadget with an unclear mechanism of operation.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 7, 2024 10:32:09 GMT
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together.
Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."
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Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and cricket.
All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."
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Paddy and Murph are staggering home from the pub together after last drinks, when they come across Sean and Seamus carrying a heavy bag between them.
"Watcha got there?" asks Murph.
"Four salmon," states Sean and went on to explain how Seamus holds him by the ankles over the side of the bridge and when a salmon swims by he grabs it, yells out and Seamus pulls him up clutching a big fish.
Paddy and Murph decide on salmon for supper and soon arrive at the nearest bridge.
Murph dangles Paddy over the side and after an agonizing five minutes of struggle Paddy cries out to pull him up.
"Where's the fish?" asks Murph, gasping for breath.
"bugger the fish, there was a train comin!"
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 10:56:45 GMT
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 10:57:09 GMT
Have you heard of the new game kids are playing? It's called I spy with my little I phone.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 10:59:03 GMT
Letting go of a loved one is really hard, unless you're trying to survive a rock climbing accident.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:00:34 GMT
Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:01:47 GMT
Houdini always used a trapdoor in his act, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:02:33 GMT
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
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