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Post by althea on Apr 17, 2024 10:55:23 GMT
Mark Twain's son was called Choochoo.
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Post by althea on Apr 17, 2024 10:55:45 GMT
We squint at the sun because it is bright.
We squint at people because they aren't.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 17, 2024 13:46:47 GMT
I woke up this morning to the sun coming through my bedroom window.
I need to have a word with that new paper boy.
___
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost £300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mum. He'd give me a £20 note and tell me to take a hike!"
___
A football coach was asked about his star linesman.
The coach replied, "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his application and there are a lot of words he doesn't know the meaning of!"
___
Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby were chatting about their grandchildren.
Dolly said: "Each year I send him a generous cheque on his birthday and he never replies, not even a thank you message."
Ruby replies;" I do the same every year, send off a cheque for a good amount
and I hear from him within a few days of him receiving it, In fact he calls around to see me."
"Wow!! How come?" Replies Dolly."
"Simple, I never sign the cheque."
___
I've started a business building boats in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.
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So a female employee got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email:
Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.Thanks a lot.!
Moral: A "space" is an vital part of English grammar!
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"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."
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Little Benny and his daddy were standing in front of the lion's cage at the zoo.
Benny's father was explaining how ferocious and strong lions are, and Benny was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Daddy," Benny said finally, "if the lion got out of his cage and ate you up..."
"Yes, son?" Benny's father said expectantly.
Benny continued, "What bus should I take home?"
___
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Post by althea on Apr 18, 2024 15:49:41 GMT
I got sick in Madrid........ and my hotel told me they have a doctor on staff.
I was surprised to hear that. They said, "No one expects the Spanish inn physician!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 19, 2024 15:21:21 GMT
I borrowed a blind friend of mine £20 the other day, He promised me he would pay me back the next time he saw me. Uh Oh, I should have known better. ___ My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless, lonely life. And while he's going through that, I'll be down the pub with my mates every night. ___ I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo. ___ I went to my local coffee shop and asked for a cappuccino. The lady asked 'Is that to sit in?' I said 'No, l'm going to drink it' ___ An old lady of 80 was sat happily knitting when a wee mouse shot up her skirt and disappeared !!!!! . She screamed and her hubby came running, she told him to call the doctor and ask him what they should do. The doctor thought for a moment then told the husband to wave a piece of cheese in front of the entrance !!!! to see if he could entice the mouse out. After a while doctor thought he had better pay them a visit and see if he could assist. When he arrived he found the poor husband waving a kipper in front of the entrance. "I thought I told you wave a piece of cheese at the entrance not a kipper" said the doctor. To which the hubby replied, " I know you told me to wave a bit of cheese but I've got to get the bloody cat out first. ___
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Post by rondetto on Apr 22, 2024 13:28:43 GMT
You lucky people...you get your money's worth.
I got my face slapped by the new girl at work today. I only asked If she spits or swallows.
It seems like a reasonable question, being as we are both wine tasters.
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A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got up out of my bed and searched with him.
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I thought I'd have better luck in the London marathon this year.
Last year I managed 3 hours and 35 minutes.
This year I'm going to try and beat that, but usually I get bored after a few hours and turn the tv over.
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Apparently, you can't use beefstew as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
____
Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Scotland
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us £400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."
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Ive just washed my car with my son!!
I really should buy a sponge.
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Our WiFi went down and all the kids came running out their rooms.
Blimey, they haven't half grown.
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Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters the same names?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
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Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
___
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Post by ARENA on Apr 24, 2024 10:36:10 GMT
So it's Trump v Stormy.... Who are you going to believe , the fake blonde with the big tits or Stormy?
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Post by hild1066 on Apr 24, 2024 12:34:52 GMT
An nun, a priest and a Rabbit go into the pub. The Rabbit says, I think I must be typo
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Post by althea on Apr 24, 2024 13:03:30 GMT
I don't feel like doing anything today. I think I've got an enlarged procrastinate.
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Post by althea on Apr 24, 2024 13:03:52 GMT
Tectonic plates are used to serve continental breakfasts.
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Post by althea on Apr 24, 2024 13:04:10 GMT
Three golf clubs went into a bar. The putter asked for a Margarita. The 7-iron requested a Bud Light. The the last one said, "Nothing for me. I'm the driver."
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Post by althea on Apr 24, 2024 13:04:28 GMT
When hiking in grizzly country: 1. Never go alone. 2.Always carry a sedative dart gun. **Remember , there's security in numb bears.
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Post by althea on Apr 24, 2024 13:04:56 GMT
They say exercise makes you look better naked. So does Tequila ~ your choice.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 26, 2024 16:48:08 GMT
A lady of the night was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred quid I guess."
___
I was driving a bit lively to work this morning when I was stopped by a traffic cop.
He said “You were going a bit fast sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog”
Me being me said “I would have trod on Mister Brake of course”
He said “I will repeat the question sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog”
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A little boy and his mother were walking in the park, when they came across a well endowed mother breastfeeding her baby
Th he little boy was intrigued and ask his mother what was she doing
The mother said “that lady is feeding her baby “
The little boy had a closer look and said
“He’ll never eat all that “
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Does anybody know anyone who wants to buy a 2nd hand exercise bike?
I'm just not getting anywhere with it..
___
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Post by althea on Apr 27, 2024 12:04:19 GMT
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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