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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:32:28 GMT
I try not to worry about the future.
I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:32:49 GMT
The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:42:26 GMT
People always say that money is not the key to happiness.
But I figure if you have enough of it you can have a key made.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:42:59 GMT
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
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Post by althea on Apr 7, 2024 11:44:31 GMT
The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it.
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Post by althea on Apr 8, 2024 13:15:39 GMT
An Irish lady on a cruise ship calls reception.
She says, “ could you please help me I’m trapped inside my own cabin.”
The receptionist says: “How can you be trapped inside your own cabin?”
The passenger replies, “There are two doors one goes to the bathroom, and the other one has a do not disturb sign on it!”
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Post by althea on Apr 8, 2024 13:19:21 GMT
I'm not wearing a lumberjack shirt and that's my flannel answer.
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Post by althea on Apr 8, 2024 13:41:59 GMT
Honesty is the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second best.
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Post by althea on Apr 8, 2024 13:42:27 GMT
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it's going to be me.
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Post by althea on Apr 8, 2024 13:42:49 GMT
Just burned 2.000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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Post by althea on Apr 8, 2024 13:43:12 GMT
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't want your type in here."
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Post by althea on Apr 8, 2024 13:43:40 GMT
I used to have an hour glass figure, but the sand has shifted.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 8, 2024 15:21:51 GMT
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
"Hey there," he says. "I bet I can make your horse talk."
"Horses don't talk," says the farmer.
"We'll see," says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, "So how does your master treat you?"
"Pretty well," says the horse. "He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over."
"I bet I can make the dog talk, too," says the ventriloquist.
"Dog's don't talk" says the farmer.
"How about you?" the ventriloquist asks the dog. "Is he good to you too?"
"Yup," says the dog. "We play fetch."
"Let's see what the sheep has to say," says the ventriloquist.
" Now just a minute" yells the farmer "That sheep is a damn liar!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 8, 2024 15:39:20 GMT
A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.
There is a hush as no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 9, 2024 15:35:34 GMT
I'm just back from the shops there and seen a blonde shouting into an envelope.
I asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voice mail.
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Paddy buys a humpty dumpty from aldi.
It's great it comes with aldi Kings horses and aldi Kings men.
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Please don't forget.
Tonight the moon will be visible from earth. The last time this happened was last night.
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Paddy rang the RSPCA and said "I've just found a suitcase with four fox cubs in it.
"That's terrible." The RSPCA officer said. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure." says Paddy. "But that would explain why they're in a suitcase."
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I just got 3 tips off a bookie for the Grand National.
Sunshine.
Moonlight.
Good Times.
If they don't win, don't blame it on Sunshine, don't blame it on Moonlight, don't blame it on Good Times, blame it on the Bookie.
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I’m on my way home yesterday from work and I saw this blue Vauxhall going slow in front of me it was for sale it had a number on the back window so me I decided to call it
Me: "Hello im calling about your Vauxhall is it still for sale?"
Them: "Yes."
Me: "Does it run?"
Them: "Yes."
Me : "Well speed up or get the hell out my way."
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