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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 9:39:02 GMT
I used to love tractors. Big ones, small ones, red ones blue ones, any tractor. The noise, the smell, the raw power, wonderful.
But as I have got older I have gone off them a bit.
Yep, I am now an ex-tractor fan.
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Post by anybody on Jul 8, 2016 9:58:07 GMT
I used to love tractors. Big ones, small ones, red ones blue ones, any tractor. The noise, the smell, the raw power, wonderful. But as I have got older I have gone off them a bit. Yep, I am now an ex-tractor fan. Save
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 9:04:25 GMT
What has 90 balls, and screws old women Bingo
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Post by marispiper on Aug 11, 2016 16:23:10 GMT
This is not a joke and I feel guilty for laughing but...
I was waiting at the bus stop today and a dishevelled bloke came and nominally joined the group of us waiting there. He was ranting and muttering, not to anybody in particular... Then I noticed the carrier bag he was holding: MADHOUSE!!
Sorry..but it WAS funny...
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Post by althea on Aug 11, 2016 19:04:43 GMT
what's covered in gold paper and goes down the M4 at 180 miles an hour ?
A Ferrari Rocher of course
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Post by althea on Aug 11, 2016 19:05:59 GMT
Thought for the day. A Little Bird Was Flying South For The Winter. It Was So Cold The Bird Froze And Fell To The Ground Into A Large Field. While He Was Lying There, A Cow Came By And Dropped Some Dung On Him. As The Frozen Bird Lay There In The Pile Of Cow Dung, He Began To Realize How Warm He Was. The Dung Was Actually Thawing Him Out! He Lay There All Warm And Happy, And Soon Began To Sing For Joy. A Passing Cat Heard The Bird Singing And Came To Investigate. Following The Sound, The Cat Discovered The Bird Under The Pile Of Cow Dung, Promptly Dug Him Out And Ate Him.
Moral Of The Story:
(1) Not Everyone Who Shits On You Is Your Enemy.
(2) Not Everyone Who Gets You Out Of Shit Is Your Friend.
(3) And When You're In Deep Shit, It's Smart To Keep Your Mouth Shut!
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Post by althea on Aug 11, 2016 19:12:25 GMT
Did you know Darth Vader had a corrupt brother?..Taxi Vader.
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Post by aubrey on Aug 12, 2016 8:07:34 GMT
I apologise in advance, but this is good. From Gershon Legman's "The Rationale of the Dirty Joke: Series One": The scene is a hospital. A man is dying. The relatives are all creeping around the bed trying to get him to sign the will, but he is in a coma. They tiptoe out, leaving the young night-nurse in charge, and telling her to give him anything he wants but just to make sure he is alive to sign the will in the morning. She sits down self-consciously with her science-fiction magazine and a glass of coffee, and prepares for a long night. About three in the morning the man stirs, moans and sits up. "Nurse," he says, "nurse! I'm dying!" "Now, it's all right, sir. Just lie back and be quiet. Everything is going to be all right." "No," he says, "you can't fool me. I'm dying. I know it." "Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable, sir?" says the nurse. He stares at her, and she comes into focus before his bleary eyes: young and pretty and plump. "Yes," he breathes, "there is something you can do for me. I've always said I'd go down on a woman before I died, and this is my last chance. What about it?" The nurse is embarrassed. "I wish you hadn't asked me that," she says; "I just happened to be having my periods." "What the hell do I care? I'll be dead by morning!" We draw the veil here for a few hours. Sunrise. The relatives come creeping back with the will, and peer into dying man's bed to see if he is in shape to sign it. Nobody in the bed. They search high and low, but can't find him, and rush to the phone to call the morgue. Suddenly they hear a noise in the bathroom. They fling open the door, and there is the man standing there at the sink in his pyjama pants, shaving, and whistling "Britons Never Never Will Be Slaves" (or "The Proud Fort of Kraznahorka"). "Aren't you dying?" cry the relatives. "Dying?! One more transfusion like that, and I'll live forever!" (New York, 1943, from a Hungarian.) (Legman, a Freudian, adds, "This is my favorite joke. Analyze away!") This is him: Collected dirty jokes all his life, he did.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2016 10:31:18 GMT
Can't find the 'Don't like' button
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Post by aubrey on Aug 13, 2016 10:32:34 GMT
(You do "Like" twice, Jonjel )
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Post by ARENA on Aug 13, 2016 10:50:38 GMT
A lobster met two fish. Lobster (to first fish) : What kind of fish are you? First fish: None of your business! Lobster (to second fish) : OK, what kind of fish are you? First fish (to second fish) : Don't tell him pike!
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Post by aubrey on Aug 13, 2016 11:52:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 20:21:04 GMT
Paddy and Murphy were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him
and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
" I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work,
but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your
partner follow behind and fill it up again? "
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally
a three-person team but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick. "
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2016 11:17:00 GMT
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irish man were all working on a building site.
They opened their sandwiches every day and had lunch together.
The Englishman opened his sandwiches and said
'Bloody hell, cheese again. If I have cheese one more time I am going to top myself'
The Scotsman opened his sandwiches and said
'Bloody hell, ham again. If I have ham one more time I am going to top myself as well'
The Irishman opened his sandwiches and said
'Bloody hell, egg again. If I have eggs one more time I am going to top myself with you two'
So the following day it was the usual Cheese Ham and Egg sandwiches.
So they decided to do it together, wrote their farewell notes and leaped from the scaffolding.
The funeral was a joint affair as they were good mates.
The Englishman's widow said
'I don't understand, if Jim had told me he didn't like cheese I would have made him something else'
The Scotsman's widow said
'I don't understand, if Jock had only told me he didn't like ham I would have made him something else'
The Irishman's wife said.
I don't understand, Paddy always made his own sandwiches'
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Post by aubrey on Aug 15, 2016 16:27:58 GMT
Paddy goes to the building site for his first day in London. The cockney foreman thinks he'll have a bit of fun with the old thicko from the emerald isle.
"So Paddy" he says, " What's the difference between a Joist and a Girder?"
"Well, " says Paddy, " Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust"
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