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Post by ARENA on Aug 25, 2015 8:35:14 GMT
Top ten jokes?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2015 9:07:27 GMT
The cat next door is not very well.
It is recovering from a bad stroke.
(No. 4 above made me smile)
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Post by jimshoo on Aug 25, 2015 10:02:06 GMT
8 for me.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2015 13:17:23 GMT
One from my misspent past
Went into town and there was a girl selling magazines in the street. She looked very unhappy and about to cry, so I reached in my pocket and said
Here you are love, big tissue, big tissue
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Post by anybody on Sept 29, 2015 13:06:41 GMT
"Talk dirty to me," she begged. "Alright," he said, leaning closer,"Volkswagen diesel . .
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Post by scorp on Sept 29, 2015 16:20:13 GMT
"You don't understand" I said, "sex is a big issue for me... Rolled up tight with a blob of vaseline in the end..."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2015 14:41:23 GMT
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here mate?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said,
"I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Chocolate Lab and asked, "Why are you here Pal?
"I'm a Humper", said the Chocolate Lab. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, it's nuts off for you too, eh?"
The Chocolate Lab said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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Post by scorp on Sept 30, 2015 20:43:23 GMT
A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus Clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the Man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, But there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon. That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him? He said 'Take the dog for a walk...'
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 9:02:03 GMT
Brilliant!
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Post by arfurmo on Oct 7, 2015 7:13:20 GMT
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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Post by jimshoo on Oct 16, 2015 10:00:25 GMT
A girl approaches the checkout of a supermarket, in her basket she has the following:
1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving of cereal 1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?" The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?" "Because you're ugly."
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Post by seadog on Nov 1, 2015 8:21:56 GMT
A social worker weny vsit a mental hospital. She asked the Director how they decided if a person needed to be institutionalised. "Well" said the director "We foill abath full of water and give the patient a spoon, a mug and a bucket and see how they empty the bath". "Oh, thats easy said the social worker, I'd use the bucket, it's the biggest and therefore the quickest."
"Oh dear" replied the director, "Normal people would pull the plug out, I think we ought to consider reserving a room for you.
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Post by anybody on Nov 2, 2015 9:46:50 GMT
Thinking outside the bath:)
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2015 14:56:45 GMT
Angela Merkel is introducing a new alphabet in Germany.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUXYZ.
Sorry about the VW omissions.....
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Post by ARENA on Jan 11, 2016 12:11:34 GMT
The wife and I went to a fancy dress party, dressed as bank-robbers......to be fair, I went. I made her stay in the car, with the engine running.
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