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Post by althea on Aug 15, 2016 19:06:53 GMT
I bought my OH a gluestick instead of a chapstick. He's still not talking to me.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2016 20:09:35 GMT
I sometimes think I'm a banana but then splits at my age are not on
I used to be an orange but have lost my zest for lfe
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Post by althea on Aug 17, 2016 12:20:04 GMT
Mahatma Gandhi as you know walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a-
Super-Calloused, Fragile Mystic, hexed by Halitosis.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2016 14:47:20 GMT
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
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Snowballs.
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Post by honeybear on Aug 19, 2016 9:57:01 GMT
One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra £50 in your pay packet that you shouldn’t have received?
The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.”
When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.”
When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.”
Have you guessed Which one of the three women got the job? Yes....the one with the biggest breasts.
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Post by marispiper on Aug 19, 2016 19:14:45 GMT
That Ghandi joke is priceless, Althea 😁
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Post by ARENA on Aug 20, 2016 11:44:18 GMT
Paddy: I was thinkin' of get one o' dem Labradors.
Mick: Feck dat...have you seen how many of der owners go blind!
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Post by lana on Aug 21, 2016 15:16:48 GMT
Joke in a Russian newspaper: "Trump only watches the Olympics to see how high the Mexican pole vaulters can jump"
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Post by althea on Aug 22, 2016 10:26:07 GMT
I really like my step ladder.
I never really got on with my real ladder.
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Post by althea on Aug 22, 2016 18:53:00 GMT
I just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head.
I'm alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.
If you can think of any good fish puns,let minnow.
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Post by althea on Aug 25, 2016 15:51:33 GMT
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
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Post by althea on Aug 25, 2016 16:01:27 GMT
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
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Post by aubrey on Aug 25, 2016 17:45:21 GMT
John Aubrey:
This Earle of Oxford,[Edward de Vere] making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart.
This same joke is in The Thousand Nights and One Night, and there is also a version of it at the back of the well-known "Eyeball Joke", and its variants.
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Post by althea on Aug 26, 2016 19:54:32 GMT
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said:
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied: “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2016 11:17:41 GMT
So that's why we find it hard to get set on anywhere as we get older ....  Job Interview: Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man : "Honesty!" Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Old Man : "I don't give a fuck what you think." |
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