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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:37:29 GMT
If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:37:48 GMT
Crime in multi-storey carparks? That's wrong on so many levels.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:38:05 GMT
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't read it.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:38:31 GMT
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask........
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:39:40 GMT
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:40:05 GMT
What's a couple? I asked my mom. Two or three, she replied - which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:40:22 GMT
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar - Demerara.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:40:42 GMT
My friend got a personal trainer about a year before her wedding. I thought, I wonder how long the aisle is going to be.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:41:02 GMT
It all starts innocently mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding marshmallows and raisins. It's a rocky road...............
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:41:21 GMT
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you're just late.
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Post by althea on Sept 16, 2024 16:41:43 GMT
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia and she whispered, "They're right behind you."
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Post by ARENA on Sept 17, 2024 11:42:36 GMT
My girlfriend had an accident and lost the front of her feet completely.I stopped seeing her... I'm lack toes intolerant
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Post by rondetto on Sept 18, 2024 14:25:30 GMT
Although I've now gone bald, l still keep the comb I've had for nearly 20 years.
I just can't part with it.
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I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets, I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.
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I went on a blind date with a dentist last night, it went well.
She wants to see me again in 6 months.
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The best way to watch a fly fishing tournament is a live stream.
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Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that the water keeps running out.
The manager asks: "Did you buy a plug?"
Paddy says: "Yer, ***, you didn't say it was electric."
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I’ve just read, a policeman has had surgery due to an anaphylactic reaction to bees.
It was a sting operation.
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I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged.
“So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked.
“I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”
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I've just found an old photo of myself from when l was a boxer.
If you turn it sideways it looks like i'm standing up.
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My mate’s in hospital after eating a bacon sandwich.
Well, after all It was mine!
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I must be the unluckiest person in the world?
I have just found a wage packet outside my local supermarket and the guy’s had 4 days off sick!
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Post by rondetto on Sept 18, 2024 18:16:07 GMT
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in
NHS.
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Stay away from hospitals.
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Post by ARENA on Sept 19, 2024 13:47:47 GMT
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
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