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Post by ARENA on Sept 6, 2024 13:00:36 GMT
I got struck by a falling bottle of Omega 3... Thankfully my wounds were only super fish oil.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 6, 2024 16:04:53 GMT
I’ve just found out that a few months ago the pound shop has been taken over by the 99p shop, it took a while for the penny to drop.
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I was walking along the beach this morning singing puppet on a string, whilst thinking to myself.
This is a sandy shore.
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Rumours that Gregg's are opening their next shop on board an Airbus airliner are just 'pie in the sky'.
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A coach load of people in Belfast went on a mystery tour. The passengers decided to run a raffle to see who could guess where they were going.
The driver won £52.
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Saw a really nice lady in the pub and asked if I could touch her hair and she said yes.
I ran my fingers across her top lip and that's how the fight started.
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I have spotted ladybirds in my garden.
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Gentlemen, I need some advice please .....
If you were given an ultimatum to choose between your wife and a new car, what would you choose.....
A) Petrol
B) Diesel
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My mate said "Your top smells of peppermint!"
I said "I know, it's a polo shirt"
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My wife hates when I use the words "numpty" and "pratt".
So I've promised to make a real effort to learn the grandkids kids' proper names.
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I was doing a presentation in a crowded room and noticed 4 men right at the back.
An English man, a French man, a Spaniard and a German. I asked "Can you gentlemen see me from there?"
Reply
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
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I've got a pair of Oasis tickets for 30th July 2025 Wembley.
Looking to swap for a 3 bedroom end of terrace property.
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Post by ARENA on Sept 7, 2024 14:26:08 GMT
She got mugged by six dwarves,,,,not happy
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Post by ARENA on Sept 7, 2024 15:38:48 GMT
The Pope was visiting Ireland .A reporter asked him what he thought of County Down He said "Iss nota so good since Carol Voderman left.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 7, 2024 17:54:40 GMT
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
"Rear toilet?" He suggests.
"Five minutes".
She agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
"Right, get that condom on", she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to,
So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
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Post by althea on Sept 8, 2024 11:38:58 GMT
Did you know that a candle's flame smells like burned nose hair......
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Post by althea on Sept 8, 2024 11:39:16 GMT
I went to the dog breeder and asked, "where are the Australian Shepherds?" He said, "They are out back."
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Post by althea on Sept 8, 2024 11:39:38 GMT
My ear doctor gave me some Viagra.
Now I'm hard of hearing.
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Post by rikiiboy on Sept 8, 2024 22:03:56 GMT
Warning this video may not be politically correct.
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Post by ARENA on Sept 9, 2024 12:33:54 GMT
Our twins got charged with stealing a calendar....They each got six months.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 9, 2024 15:47:25 GMT
I found this on the menu at the local cafe - idemx rilgl.
I asked the waitress 'What is it?'
She said 'Mixed grill'
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North Korea now have a missile that can reach New York, and if it can make it there it can make it anywhere.
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They say Grandmothers can't eat apples, but that's just a granny's myth.
There are rumours about a classical composer who also wrote cookery books, but that's just a Delius myth.
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I’m going on a round the world trip to prove the worlds flat.
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I was going to try cannibalism but I gave up when I got cold feet.
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Poor old bloke tripped and fell in the street.
At least I assume he was poor as I could only find £6 in his wallet.
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I asked a bloke how far to Kings Cross station. He said 'If you're rushin' 15 minutes'
I said 'How far if l'm Welsh?'
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A woman took her dog to the parlour for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her £50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 quid for my own haircut!" she said.
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"
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What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.
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I always thought that the word ‘caesarean’ began with a S, but when I looked in the dictionary it was in the C section.
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Post by Rosie on Sept 9, 2024 16:10:38 GMT
Hi
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Post by althea on Sept 10, 2024 11:24:46 GMT
Hi Rosie, welcome to UK Oldies. Please join in - we don't bite. (well, not unless you want us to....)
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Post by althea on Sept 10, 2024 11:51:03 GMT
My tropical fish died, I over watered them.
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Post by althea on Sept 10, 2024 11:54:20 GMT
My doctor told me that I have an unusual condition, that he can't fully explain. I asked him when he would be able to explain, he told me "after the post mortem."
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