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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2016 10:34:42 GMT
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 Men and 1 Woman..
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall..
They weren’t able to choose that person, until the Woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a Woman, she was used to giving up everything for her Husband and Kids or for Men in general, and was used to always making
sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the Men started clapping…
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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2016 10:37:49 GMT
George Michael was admitted to A&E today with a chocolate bar stuck up his bum
The Doctor said it was probably a careless wispa
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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2016 15:39:51 GMT
Crazy paving? Is it what it's cracked up to be?
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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2016 15:40:13 GMT
Russian dolls - full of themselves.
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Post by ARENA on Oct 2, 2016 8:57:16 GMT
Drunk at railway buffet: How much are your sandwiches/ Girl behind bar: Two for a pound. Drunk: How much for one? Girl: 75p Drunk: I'll have the other one!
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Post by althea on Oct 3, 2016 15:45:16 GMT
I struggled picking up a bottle of water earlier, it was an Evian
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Post by althea on Oct 3, 2016 15:45:45 GMT
I cannot think of a word to rhyme with 'bulb' - can anyone shed a light on this?
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Post by althea on Oct 3, 2016 15:48:12 GMT
A guy went into a pet shop and asked for a goldfish. "Do you want an aquarium?" the assistant asked. "I don't care what what star sign it is" he replied.
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Post by althea on Oct 3, 2016 15:50:00 GMT
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
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Post by althea on Oct 8, 2016 15:16:24 GMT
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they asked. “Why do we have to wait until he cries?”
“BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM … OK?
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Post by althea on Oct 9, 2016 15:39:03 GMT
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, “You’re an engineer you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says, “So, how are things in Hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What! You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell… send him to me.”
“Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God insists, “Send him back or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2016 19:07:18 GMT
That reminds me
What do you call a load of lawyers drowning at the bottom of the ocean Not enough
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Post by althea on Oct 14, 2016 10:46:02 GMT
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry neighbour, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:- "Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out. Anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2016 11:19:45 GMT
Why did Cinderella get picked for the England football team? Because she was always running away from the ball
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 10:57:17 GMT
Did you hear about the Paralympic swimmer who drowned?
He had no arms or legs but got cramp in his ears........
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