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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2017 11:58:20 GMT
A man bought his wife a coat made from 500 hamster skins.
She wore it when they went to Blackpool for the day ... They went to the funfair on the Pleasure beach. He couldn't get her off the big wheel.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2017 12:17:04 GMT
Like it!
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2017 13:00:37 GMT
Thanks
Elaine went to visit the much heralded local fortune-teller.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Elaine stared at the woman's haggard face, then at the single, flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Do you think I will get away with it?"
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Post by marispiper on Jan 8, 2017 13:25:11 GMT
I went to see my mum this morning. She had kindly saved me two dieting booklets out of the paper and handed them to me like a present.
That is not a joke.
But along with insulting, I did find it funny 😁
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Post by marispiper on Jan 8, 2017 13:28:23 GMT
Did you see Val MacDiarmid on Christmas University Challenge? She knew all the Thomson characters in the picture round 😄 inc the Broons.Thas ma girl....
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Post by ARENA on Jan 8, 2017 15:31:54 GMT
Did you see Val MacDiarmid on Christmas University Challenge? She knew all the Thomson characters in the picture round 😄 inc the Broons.Thas ma girl.... Remember Big Eggo, quine? |
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2017 15:39:33 GMT
A man suspected his young wife of being too friendly with another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Won Lo Pan, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report: Honorable Sir, You leave house. I watch house. He come to house I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she get off train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree. No see. No fee.  |
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2017 16:08:53 GMT
Conversation between husband and wife:
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WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "Oh bugger!!!"
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Post by althea on Jan 8, 2017 16:56:41 GMT
I don't want to brag,but.........I finished my 14 day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes!
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Post by althea on Jan 8, 2017 17:03:53 GMT
Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who tend to mention it.
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Post by althea on Jan 8, 2017 17:07:03 GMT
Kids today don't know how easy they have it.When I was a kid,I had to walk nine feet through thick shag pile to change channels on the TV.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2017 10:12:41 GMT
 A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The man turns to his wife and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2017 10:42:43 GMT
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the boot of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tyres."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2017 11:17:28 GMT
A man went to confession. The priest said,
'Can I help you my son?'
The man said
'Yesterday was my 85th birthday. I went to a local club and towards the end of the evening announced I had just won the lottery. Two nubile young ladies accompanied me back to my place and with the aid of a double dose of Viagra I had my wicked way with both of them all night. Before they left one of them cooked me breakfast'
The priest was a bit shaken but thought he had better continue so licked his lips and said
'I see' he said , 'and apart from this sin have you been a good Catholic for all your 85 years?'
'I am not a Catholic' said the man
The Priest said
'Then why are you telling me all this?'
To which the man replied
'I am telling everybody!'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2017 11:40:04 GMT
 Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it was your own."
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