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Post by ARENA on Jan 9, 2017 13:59:00 GMT
Man of 70 is having a medical....
Doc: You are in great shape, tell me when did you stop having sex.
OM: What makes you think I've stopped?
Doc: Blimey, I guess it's hereditary.How old was your father when he died?
OM: What makes you think he's dead. He's still alive and enjoying sex.
DOC: Well I never. How old was your grandfather when he passed away?
OM: What makes you think he passed away. He's 112 and still active and next week he's getting married to a 20 year old girl.
Doc: Why on earth does he want to get married to someone so young?
OM: What makes you think he wants to?
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2017 15:09:24 GMT
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."
With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2017 16:48:44 GMT
Dave was always boasting in the pub. Once night he bragged to the crowd of drinkers that he knew everyone in the world. Sid the barman
had had enough so challenged Dave to prove it.
"Ok," said Dave. "£100 says I'm right then." Sid took him up on the bet and booked flights to Hollywood.
There they made their way to the home of Brad Pitt. "Well hello there Dave buddy." said Brad Pitt. Sid was taken aback
at this but still determined to win the bet he booked a flight to Washington where they asked for an audience with the President.
"Welcome to the White house Dave my old friend." said Barak Obama. Now Sid was was astounded but still had one more trick
up his sleeve.
A flight to Rome brought them to the Vatican. There were thousands amassed waiting for a blessing from the Pope. Dave
wasn't anywhere to be seen. Then suddenly the Pope appeared on his balcony with Dave by his side.
Dave saw Sid faint among the crowd so sped down to see if he was alright. "What happened?" asked Dave.
"Well," said Sid. "I saw the Pope come out with you and then someone in the crowd shouted. "Hey, who's that up there
with Dave?.......Here's your £100."
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Post by marispiper on Jan 9, 2017 19:19:27 GMT
As I am Irish, this is permitted...
Paddy struck up a conversation with Michael on the ferry to Dun Laoghaire... Michael says "..now here's a little brain teaser for ye. Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father, is my father's son"
Paddy looks quizzical and scratches his head "..that's a tough one, sure it is.." Michael smiles and says "It's me...it's me" Paddy frowns but suddenly a light goes on and he laughs "of course it is. That's a grand one.."
Back home, Paddy goes round to his brother Peter, and rubbing his hands, says "I have a little brain teaser for ye.. Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father, is my father's son"
Peter is completely stumped and replies "...no..you got me there, Paddy. What's the answer?" Paddy beams and says "It's this fella Michael I met on the ferry..." 😁
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Post by rondetto on Jan 10, 2017 13:07:59 GMT
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2017 12:45:34 GMT
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's just a terrible mistake."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2017 13:00:47 GMT
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2017 13:57:57 GMT
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Post by aubrey on Jan 11, 2017 20:32:53 GMT
My Lord is getting out of his bath; his man is holding the towel.
"We seem to have achieved a state of tumescence, Sir. Shall I call M'Lady?"
(Glancing down) "No, sod that - call a cab. I'm smuggling this one into town."
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Post by marispiper on Jan 12, 2017 9:48:46 GMT
My Lord is getting out of his bath; his man is holding the towel. "We seem to have achieved a state of tumescence, Sir. Shall I call M'Lady?" (Glancing down) "No, sod that - call a cab. I'm smuggling this one into town." Good...and brought to mind the Viz advert for the Tumescence Spoon designed for ladies to deal with this unwanted phenomenon 'one whack and it's gone" 😁
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2017 13:15:52 GMT
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too farfrom the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 20p coin.
The usher looks at the coin in his hand, leans over and whispers, "I'll give you a tip..the wife did it."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2017 13:51:46 GMT
There were three Women stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated that it was about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."
She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve."
She attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette. She swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.
After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!" "I think I'd better try to make it, too."
She swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.
The shore was just in sight, just 100 yards to go, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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Post by aubrey on Jan 12, 2017 14:58:39 GMT
My Lord is getting out of his bath; his man is holding the towel. "We seem to have achieved a state of tumescence, Sir. Shall I call M'Lady?" (Glancing down) "No, sod that - call a cab. I'm smuggling this one into town." Good...and brought to mind the Viz advert for the Tumescence Spoon designed for ladies to deal with this unwanted phenomenon 'one whack and it's gone" 😁 I was trying to avoid the word "Erection", which I think was in the original. What I like best about this is the servant's use of "We."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2017 16:00:20 GMT
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother replied, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 16:28:56 GMT
I like that!
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