Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."
With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Paddy struck up a conversation with Michael on the ferry to Dun Laoghaire... Michael says "..now here's a little brain teaser for ye. Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father, is my father's son"
Paddy looks quizzical and scratches his head "..that's a tough one, sure it is.." Michael smiles and says "It's me...it's me" Paddy frowns but suddenly a light goes on and he laughs "of course it is. That's a grand one.."
Back home, Paddy goes round to his brother Peter, and rubbing his hands, says "I have a little brain teaser for ye.. Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father, is my father's son"
Peter is completely stumped and replies "...no..you got me there, Paddy. What's the answer?" Paddy beams and says "It's this fella Michael I met on the ferry..." 😁
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too farfrom the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 20p coin.
The usher looks at the coin in his hand, leans over and whispers, "I'll give you a tip..the wife did it."