A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the brandy. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind him that I'm still here."
A grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”.
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their vicar retired and a new one was hired. He could he see right through the brothers' deception.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new vicar the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The vicar gave his word and deposited the cheque.
The next day at the funeral, the vicar did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."