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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 11:44:38 GMT
One I heard on the radio that made me laugh.
A Koala bear slowly climbed to the top of a tree, stretched out his arms and leapt off, crashing to the ground.
He picked himself up and slowly repeated the process. And repeated this for about half an hour.
Two birds were sitting in an adjacent tree and saw this. One turned to the other and said
'Do you think we should tell him he is adopted?'
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Post by goldelox on Dec 7, 2016 13:10:08 GMT
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
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Post by anybody on Dec 12, 2016 9:36:18 GMT
I was going to send this card to all my friends - But it was two deer!
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Post by aubrey on Dec 13, 2016 11:43:30 GMT
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Post by ARENA on Dec 14, 2016 15:52:27 GMT
Who says building a border wall won't work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
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Post by althea on Dec 20, 2016 17:30:35 GMT
Pinched from another forum.Made me laugh.
A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the brandy. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...
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Post by ARENA on Dec 23, 2016 10:18:04 GMT
Mrs A said, 'You never finish what you've started!' So I finished A bottle of Chardonnay and a bottle of Bordeaux....Mellow Chisums!
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Post by althea on Jan 4, 2017 15:53:31 GMT
I decided to go on a diet and remove all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.
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Post by aubrey on Jan 6, 2017 15:09:15 GMT
I read this for the first time standing on a crowded 507 bus stuck on Lambeth Bridge on a hot day. I wept, I really did:
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2017 17:31:04 GMT
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind him that I'm still here."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2017 17:40:04 GMT
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I have to do it in ten..."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2017 12:13:48 GMT
A cadet police officer was out for his first ride in a patrol car with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Not too bad," chuckled the veteran policeman, "especially since that is a bus stop!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2017 18:08:41 GMT
A grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”. “Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”? “You're coming empty handed are you?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2017 18:17:11 GMT
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being pay day, instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire pay cheque. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2017 11:51:59 GMT
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their vicar retired and a new one was hired. He could he see right through the brothers' deception.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new vicar the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The vicar gave his word and deposited the cheque.
The next day at the funeral, the vicar did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
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