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Post by althea on Dec 1, 2024 15:18:38 GMT
Stop crying about your problems on the internet. Bottle them up inside and disguise them with dark, inappropriate humour like a grown up.
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Post by althea on Dec 1, 2024 15:20:05 GMT
It's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my special festive Christmas anxiety.
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Post by althea on Dec 1, 2024 15:21:14 GMT
My horse will only come out of the stable after dark. She's becoming a bit of a nightmare.
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Post by althea on Dec 2, 2024 12:50:22 GMT
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
And now you know why there are no more dinosaurs.
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Post by althea on Dec 2, 2024 12:53:29 GMT
Out of these three, who is the odd one out, and why?
A) Sniper
B) Surveyor
C) Tourist
The answer: B) Surveyors, as they go site-seeing, while Snipers and Tourists go sight-seeing.
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Post by waiting4atickle on Dec 2, 2024 21:18:50 GMT
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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Post by ARENA on Dec 3, 2024 10:35:19 GMT
Sarcasm wont get you anywhere.
Well it got me to champion of sarcasm finals and a nice thousand pound cheque
Really
No
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Post by althea on Dec 3, 2024 13:32:46 GMT
My doctor has told me I'm borderline overweight.
I said, "Surely that means I'm borderline ideal."
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Post by althea on Dec 3, 2024 14:15:33 GMT
They're making a new reality TV show following a family of sausage dogs driving a taxi.
Its called, "Keeping Up With The Car Dachshunds."
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Post by althea on Dec 3, 2024 14:16:48 GMT
I wear a full suit of armour in bed. It's the best way to get a good knight's sleep.
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Post by althea on Dec 3, 2024 14:18:04 GMT
My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can't remember my password.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 3, 2024 16:20:09 GMT
I bought a book on how to re-wire my house.
I was shocked when I realised it was written by amateurs.
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Managing your weight around the Christmas and New Year break just requires a little planning.
For example, I take the batteries out of my bathroom scales.
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Wife’s just got a job at a vibrator factory
She is absolutely buzzing.
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I ate a kids meal in McDonald's today, his mum seemed pretty upset.
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My father was a Methodist....
My mother was a Spiritualist.....
So I was brought up as a Methylated Spirit.
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This year my wife said she wants Christmas Dinner with all the Trimmings.
So I've invited Mr and Mrs Trimming, along with their eight children, four grandparents and two surviving great grandparents.
I mean we hardly know them, but anything to make my wife happy.
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I have a question: Does anyone know how long you can put a chicken in the freezer for? Only, I put a chicken in the freezer last night and it was dead this morning.
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The man who's house got hit by a plane in Kent issued a statement last night saying that the next time he goes on holiday he'll remember to turn his landing light off.
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I played scrabble with the wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.
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Got a new job at the candle factory... So far I only work on wick ends.
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The union workers at the Royal Mint went on strike today.
They are demanding to make less money.
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