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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2020 12:08:20 GMT
A local yokel was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anaesthetic. After he gets this he won't know any thing that's going on."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man.
"He don't know nothing now."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2020 13:11:18 GMT
An advert in the newspaper: "Missing... wife and dog, reward of £100 for the return of the dog."
My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor, she said "If you're happy we'll make a start."
I said: "My dear, if we were happy we wouldn't even be here."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2020 13:44:37 GMT
A farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2020 12:00:30 GMT
There's nothing my wife wouldn't do for me, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for my wife.
In fact, that's how we get through life, doing nothing for each other.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2020 16:44:12 GMT
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a murder mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a 20p piece.
The usher looks at the 20p in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2020 9:04:17 GMT
As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...
All I said was that I was in the country to shoot a pilot...
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2020 10:04:03 GMT
Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain patients in hospitals.
He would go from one hospital to another in the city and always carried his guitar with him.
He would crack jokes and would sing some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished at one such hospital, he said to an old man, "I hope you get better."
The elderly gentleman quickly replied, "I hope you get better, too."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2020 12:32:40 GMT
A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk, "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's eve and Christmas!"
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Post by althea on Jan 22, 2020 12:33:17 GMT
Hold On (to your zimmer) - Take That.
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Post by themanwhoknewnothing on Jan 22, 2020 15:33:37 GMT
Hold On (to your zimmer) - Take That. Just Walkin' In The Frame.........Johnny Ray
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2020 18:46:30 GMT
Sign on company bulleting board:
“This firm requires no physical-fitness programme. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2020 10:57:26 GMT
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2020 11:15:51 GMT
I saw an RAC patrolman the other day in his tow truck sitting at the wheel, sobbing. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown .
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2020 15:08:56 GMT
The doctor advised my Grandmother to get more exercise. 'She started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2020 16:24:15 GMT
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or £30."
The man replied, "Well you honour I need the cash so I think I'll take the money."
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