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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2020 11:27:04 GMT
Two bikers are camped out at a weekend motorcycle rally.
After a night of sampling a vast range of craft beers and ales in the beer tent, they decide to turn in for night and hit the sack.
Half an hour later one of the bikers crawls out of his sleeping bag and announces that he's going outside to take a leak.
10 minutes later, he comes back the the tent, soaking wet.
"Is it raining out ", the first biker asks.
2nd biker "No, its damn windy!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2020 13:03:35 GMT
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2020 14:47:48 GMT
I wanted to try online dating, so I clicked around until I saw someone I found attractive. We started chatting, and everything was going great, until she told me her career is "professional blood donor."
That's when I knew she wasn't my type.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2020 15:57:25 GMT
I bought what looked like a nice yummy cake from Tesco today, called an Argument gateau. It didn't agree with me.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2020 17:22:11 GMT
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried a mint mouthwash?"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2020 20:21:41 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 26, 2020 8:39:25 GMT
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing £50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for £30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny £15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 26, 2020 12:35:55 GMT
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".
"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how bad that one worked out!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2020 9:24:14 GMT
My landlord phoned me up and told me, he has to come round and discuss my astronomically high heating bill.
So I said to him "See you soon, my door is always open."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2020 13:00:30 GMT
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2020 13:48:40 GMT
Heard at a wedding reception. "Today is a very emotional day for everyone. In fact even the wedding cake is in tiers."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2020 15:01:13 GMT
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2020 18:43:28 GMT
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2020 18:49:24 GMT
An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 28, 2020 8:49:56 GMT
Stop press:
A man in Birmingham, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There will be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 4."
A deaf man in Glasgow filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."
A woman in Birmingham, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."
A woman in Milton Keynes, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."
A man in Chester, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."
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