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Post by rondetto on Dec 19, 2019 11:42:35 GMT
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a petrol station on a lonely country road. On its side were the letters "UFO." The petrol station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked. "No," one of the little grey aliens responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 20, 2019 10:02:17 GMT
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season.
When you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are.
You can still get gifts Faure good price, and not have to Handel large crowds.
This gives you time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.
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Post by ARENA on Dec 20, 2019 10:34:24 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Dec 20, 2019 11:43:16 GMT
"What flavours of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No..." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 21, 2019 9:53:48 GMT
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me
to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and
just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you
see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I
went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate
myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's
when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes
off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the
kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped my
Mother.
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this
before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked
"Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
the outer Hebrides last night
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Post by aubrey on Dec 21, 2019 20:21:33 GMT
Richard Thompson joke:
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I’m in the guitar shop next door to that."
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Post by aubrey on Dec 22, 2019 10:54:39 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Dec 22, 2019 11:34:14 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Dec 22, 2019 11:49:02 GMT
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!
What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley!
That's all for now folks.................have a lovely day
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Post by rondetto on Dec 22, 2019 13:12:42 GMT
An American man is on a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.
"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"
"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.
"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
"Um, not quite..." the American begins, only to be interrupted again.
"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"
"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 22, 2019 15:11:01 GMT
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 22, 2019 15:14:45 GMT
I bought one of those memory pillows to try this morning. I can't recommend it though. I can't for the life of me remember where I put it.
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Post by aubrey on Dec 22, 2019 15:29:16 GMT
Cop (first day on patrol):
"Suspect is dancing naked through town."
Dispatch:
"Copy that."
Cop:
"I'll try, but I'm not much of a dancer."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 22, 2019 17:48:01 GMT
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mummy" the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 23, 2019 12:05:30 GMT
Teacher, Now children it's letters day today, and today's letter is "N" . So, Jimmy tell me something your not very good at beginning with the letter "N".
Jimmy " spelling."
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