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Post by rondetto on Dec 23, 2019 12:08:36 GMT
Fighting my way through the mad rush of Christmas shoppers in the high street, I noticed a poor old lady trying to cross the busy road, without any success.
I decided to be helpful and point out that there was a zebra crossing just a few yards away down the street.
"Well I hope its having better luck than I'am" She replied!
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Post by rondetto on Dec 23, 2019 12:17:22 GMT
How to enjoy Christmas day
Late Christmas eve, place turkey in a deep roasting pan.
Pour over 1 bottle of rum, 1 bottle of brandy, 1 bottle of whiskey.
Cook over night on a low heat.
On Christmas morning, remove from the oven and allow to cool.
Now, throw away the turkey and drink the gravy.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 23, 2019 17:51:22 GMT
A young boy stopped by the corner grocery store and read his list to the clerk: "10 pounds if sugar at £1.25 a pound; 4 pounds of coffee beans at £1.50 a pound; 2 pounds of butter at £1.10 a pound and 2 bars of soap at 83 pence each. How much does that come to?"
"Twenty-two pounds and thirty-six pence," replied the clerk.
"If I gave you three ten pound notes, how much change would I get?"
"Seven pounds and sixty-four pence."
With that the boy walked out saying:"Thanks! That's my arithmetic homework done for tomorrow."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 24, 2019 9:51:50 GMT
What did Cinderella say when her photos were late coming back from the printer ?
Some day my prints will come.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 24, 2019 11:40:12 GMT
While leaving a supermarket, a customer dropped a bag of flour.
A man ran to pick it up.
“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-raising.”
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
One day Max went to see Carl.
Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”
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Post by rondetto on Dec 24, 2019 15:42:59 GMT
An Irishman was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
He had won €200 and faced the next question
"Which Ronnie was one of the Great Train Robbers
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Reagan
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie Barker
"I'll take the €200, thanks Chris. I don't want to grass on anyone."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2019 19:53:33 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Dec 25, 2019 9:59:07 GMT
Amazon sale has started, I ordered four Kindls and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 25, 2019 10:23:14 GMT
My wife bought me a 'lovely' nylon dressing gown for Christmas. Trouble is, it's crackling with static electricity.
Do you think if I take it back tomorrow, they'll replace it with another one free of charge?
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Post by rondetto on Dec 25, 2019 11:02:06 GMT
A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely contagious."
"Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?"
"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"No, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 25, 2019 16:27:24 GMT
My elderly uncle had his back coated in goose fat.
He slid right down hill after that.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 26, 2019 13:07:03 GMT
Bridegroom: "Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?"
Bride: "But darling, we are alone, aren't we?"
Bridegroom: "What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?"
Bride: "What do you mean MY mother? I thought she was YOUR mother!!!"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 26, 2019 17:32:45 GMT
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it" "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way Take a clean dish."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 27, 2019 11:22:00 GMT
A woman at a department store ask a clerk: "Will you help me out, please?"
"Certainly, just go through that door over there." replied the clerk.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 27, 2019 13:45:06 GMT
Paddy & Sean were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a £1 a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Paddy won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Sean won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers. Sean asked Paddy how he liked his prize, to which Paddy replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good, it's very rough" replied Sean, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to using paper."
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