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Post by rondetto on Dec 14, 2019 14:58:12 GMT
"Doctor...Doctor, I'm getting smaller and smaller day by day."
"Well, I can't you until Friday."
"But, I'll have shrunk even more by then."
"Well you'll just have to be a little patient."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 14, 2019 15:07:10 GMT
A man was sad because his faithful dog had gone missing.
He placed an advert in every national newspaper that said:
"Here boy"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 14, 2019 16:46:43 GMT
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Post by caedmon ★★★ on Dec 15, 2019 3:31:39 GMT
Two priests meet together on Saturday morning. Father Patrick tells Father Finn (from a neighbouring parish) his bicycle had been stolen. Father Finn says and asks: "Good heavens, have you reported this to the Police?" Father Patrick says: "Oh, gracious no, I don't have any witnesses". Father Finn suggests: "Recite the 10 commandments to your Sunday congregation. The one who blushes red when you quote the eighth commandment: 'You shall not steal' shall reveal the guilty culprit".
They meet each other again on Monday morning. Father Finn asks: "Well, did my idea work?" Father Patrick tells him: "I only got to reciting commandment seven 'You shall not commit adultery', I suddenly remembered where I left my bike".
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Post by rondetto on Dec 15, 2019 11:46:15 GMT
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
After two months she was shattered. Then later someone finally told her that meant she had to have her meals with the men.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 15, 2019 12:29:49 GMT
I cycled to the local off licence the other day to buy a bottle of whiskey. I put the bottle in my bike's bag then suddenly thought what if I fell off my bike, the bottle might smash.
So, I drank the bottle of whiskey there and then. Turned out I made the right decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 16, 2019 10:21:44 GMT
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'
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Post by rondetto on Dec 16, 2019 16:26:37 GMT
A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from £2.00 to £2,000."
"Let's see the £2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For £2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "Yes But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 17, 2019 14:34:31 GMT
Melbourne Dave called his lawyer and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Dave, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?
"Sure is Dave. But why are you asking?
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Fosters lager for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 17, 2019 17:29:18 GMT
The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time.
A fellow passenger looked at him and said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."
The young man took a deep breath and replied, "But..I missed this train at the last station."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 18, 2019 10:18:39 GMT
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to bugger off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes couldn't possibly be starving!!
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Post by rondetto on Dec 18, 2019 15:17:04 GMT
My doctor gave me three months to live, I was so mad I shot him.
The judge gave me thirty years so really I came out of it very well.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 18, 2019 15:46:48 GMT
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when the heck did you learn to speak English?"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 18, 2019 17:30:25 GMT
A little Irish bloke died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The man thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave 50p to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Irish guy said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave another homeless person 50p."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the man a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his £1 and tell him to go to Hell."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2019 2:41:19 GMT
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