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Post by rondetto on Aug 19, 2019 16:54:58 GMT
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 20, 2019 10:17:29 GMT
A man wrote a letter to the Inland revenue tax department: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for £200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
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Post by althea on Aug 20, 2019 10:18:17 GMT
I just found out that I’m colour-blind. The news came completely out of the green!
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Post by althea on Aug 20, 2019 10:19:24 GMT
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!
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Post by althea on Aug 20, 2019 10:20:28 GMT
A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other and a desk strapped to his back.
A cop ran over to him, handcuffed him and took him to the police station.
"What's the charge?" the desk sergeant asked the arresting cop.
The cop responded "Impersonating an office, sir.”
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Post by althea on Aug 20, 2019 10:20:59 GMT
My mate said he would hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I said " Is that a fret?"
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Post by althea on Aug 20, 2019 10:31:58 GMT
We once had a second row forward called Dai. There was also a David who played on the wing, and a Daffydd at fullback. To distinguish between the 3 Davids, we called our fellow forward Dai 'Eighteen months', because he only had an ear and a half.
........................
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Post by rondetto on Aug 20, 2019 14:14:12 GMT
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to bring the stick back.
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Post by althea on Aug 20, 2019 17:57:05 GMT
We once had a second row forward called Dai. There was also a David who played on the wing, and a Daffydd at fullback. To distinguish between the 3 Davids, we called our fellow forward Dai 'Eighteen months', because he only had an ear and a half. ........................ This makes more sense when you understand that a Welsh person would pronounce an ear and a half,as;a yer and a half. My friend from Risca (South Wales) told me she had ringing in her yer.
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Post by althea on Aug 20, 2019 17:57:58 GMT
A couple employed by a circus wanted to adopt a child, but agency staff had serious doubts about their suitability.
The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which included a beautiful nursery.
The social workers inquired about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills," the couple replied.
The agency staff still expressed doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet," they assured them.
The social workers were finally satisfied.
"What age child are you hoping to adopt?" they asked.
"It doesn't really matter," the couple said, "as long as he fits in the cannon."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 21, 2019 5:20:43 GMT
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the vicar came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 21, 2019 12:45:42 GMT
Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them"
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was peeing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"That's not against the law" said Dewey,
"That's what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at B&Q sure must of thought it was"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 21, 2019 14:00:14 GMT
Life's pondering's
I am in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever! So far, so good!
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!
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Post by aubrey on Aug 21, 2019 19:18:31 GMT
An enormously fat Texan and his equally fat wife were on holiday in New York City, and having dinner at a restaurant. The wife had just gone to powder her nose, and a native came up to their table:
"Excuse me, sir - I hope you don't mind me asking me this, and no offence is meant; but how do you and your wife achieve, er, congress, given your size?"
The Texan replies:
"Oh no, son - I don't mind at all. In fact, you're the fourth short-peckered easterner who's asked me that tonight!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 22, 2019 12:49:46 GMT
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.
"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
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