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Post by rondetto on Aug 10, 2019 17:42:26 GMT
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 11, 2019 14:06:19 GMT
The owner of a chemist walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 11, 2019 15:34:47 GMT
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise.
"Was it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 12, 2019 11:22:58 GMT
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.
"It's the vicar, Mummy," the child said to her mother. Then she said to him, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 12, 2019 16:51:38 GMT
A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, “I know that you are not married! So, do you know who the father of this baby is?”
The girl thought and then asked, “Doctor, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”
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Post by ARENA on Aug 13, 2019 8:33:16 GMT
I've just bought this book in IKEA.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 13, 2019 10:35:30 GMT
Ben and John, two good ole boys from North Wales, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of fake grass went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Ben. "Do what?" asked John. "Send my grass out to be mowed,"
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Post by ARENA on Aug 13, 2019 15:08:26 GMT
Q: What was the snowman doing in the greengrocers?
A: Picking his nose.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 14, 2019 8:39:07 GMT
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
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Post by aubrey on Aug 14, 2019 9:08:21 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Aug 14, 2019 18:25:37 GMT
The wife sent a text to her husband at work. "Windows won't open, it's frozen"
Husband texts back, "Get some lukewarm water, pour it over slowly then tap it with
a hammer."
Wife texts back a few minutes later." Oh bugger, the computers wrecked now."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 15, 2019 14:54:40 GMT
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.
So Mary called him a crack head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 15, 2019 17:52:23 GMT
Two old men were sitting in the garden of their nursing home when a seagull flying overhead pooped on the bald head of one of the men.
The nurse who was in attendance said urgently, "Don't worry, I'll run and fetch some toilet paper."
As she hurried off, one old man turned to the other: "Is she crazy or what? By the time she gets back with the toilet paper, that bird will be miles away!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 16, 2019 11:10:59 GMT
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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Post by althea on Aug 16, 2019 17:49:26 GMT
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