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Post by althea on Aug 6, 2019 18:29:28 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2019 9:24:20 GMT
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"I know you didn't," said his wife, "I did."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2019 9:26:16 GMT
Donald Trump says he wants to move to Berlin.
As soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall back up.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2019 12:44:35 GMT
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
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Post by althea on Aug 7, 2019 16:45:24 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Aug 7, 2019 18:17:36 GMT
Yes, it's usually gin in our house.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 8, 2019 12:04:32 GMT
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 8, 2019 16:56:03 GMT
I've just had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
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Post by althea on Aug 8, 2019 18:23:41 GMT
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2019 11:48:23 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Aug 9, 2019 12:17:49 GMT
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 9, 2019 15:24:36 GMT
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No notes larger than £20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a note larger than £20, I wouldn't be eating in this place."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 9, 2019 16:01:43 GMT
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit.
"Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman.
She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too."
She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a big basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 10, 2019 10:09:23 GMT
A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers "Just strolling", "Why do have the gravestone, buddy?", "Because I everywhere I go they ask for my ID."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 10, 2019 12:35:23 GMT
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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