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Post by themanwhoknewnothing on Apr 14, 2019 7:58:44 GMT
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2019 8:00:25 GMT
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer.
"What happened?" said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, "Well," said the farmer "If you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2019 14:05:57 GMT
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."
The guest replied, "Why, that's what I got yesterday!!"
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Post by althea on Apr 14, 2019 15:02:09 GMT
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Post by althea on Apr 14, 2019 15:08:01 GMT
A neutron and a proton walk into a bar. But then the proton says "Hang on, I can't find my electron!."
The neutron says "Are you sure?"
The proton replies "I'm positive."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2019 16:42:12 GMT
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man. "If there was anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 15, 2019 6:42:11 GMT
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
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Post by honeybear on Apr 15, 2019 8:40:38 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 15, 2019 14:07:15 GMT
During the proceedings of a court case, the lawyer asked the woman in the witness stand, "Ms. Maira, the defendant's wife has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Do you admit that you went to the Crescent hotel with Mr. Jones?"
"Ah, yes," acknowledged Maira with a sob, "but I couldn't help it."
The lawyer asked, "Why couldn't you help it?"
Maira said, "Mr. Jones deceived me."
The lawyer asked, "Be specific. What do you mean?"
"Well, when we signed in," she cried, "he told the hotel clerk I was his wife."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 15, 2019 18:35:43 GMT
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 15, 2019 19:28:38 GMT
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2019 13:58:47 GMT
O'Riley went to a carpenter and said, "I need a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long. You think you can make it?"
"Well..." mused the carpenter. "I can do it....but I wonder what would you want a box like that for?"
"It is like this," said O'Riley, "my friend moved to a new neighbourhood and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
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Post by althea on Apr 17, 2019 11:00:41 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 17, 2019 12:15:47 GMT
A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Winston Churchill.
After application, Churchill began to move and soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, Mr Churchill?"
The Winston answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 17, 2019 16:28:40 GMT
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogogoch."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
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