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Post by rondetto on Apr 10, 2019 12:25:11 GMT
Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's holiday in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2019 12:04:01 GMT
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mum has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2019 12:14:15 GMT
In an Irish clinic three fathers were waiting for their babies to be weighed. First father asks: "What did you name your son?" Second father: "We named him after the day he was born, on St Patrick's day..so we named him Patrick. Then he asked the third father, "What did you name your son?" The third father replies, "Our son was born on St George's day so we named him George." At that the first father picked up his son and said, "Come on Pancake, let's go home."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2019 13:35:08 GMT
Paddy was speeding down the road when a traffic cop stopped him.
Cop:" Do you realize you were going above the speed limits?"
Paddy : "But officer, I am only learning to drive."
Cop: "What? Without an instructor?"
Paddy: "It's a correspondence course, Officer."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2019 13:40:41 GMT
First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?”
Second soldier: “No way mate!”
First soldier: “Why not?”
Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”
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Post by rondetto on Apr 12, 2019 9:22:06 GMT
'You know, honey,' the little old lady said. 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.' 'I'm not surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.'
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Post by anybody on Apr 12, 2019 9:36:32 GMT
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a bright future and the rest to screw it up.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 12, 2019 12:24:25 GMT
Dorothy went to visit her dentist with broken teeth. While she was seated on the dental chair, she asked the dentist, "Before you start working on me, I have a question. Will I be able to play the Saxophone when you are done?"
The dentist replied patiently, "Of course you will!"
Dorothy exclaimed , "Oh wonderful! I couldn't play a note before!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 12, 2019 15:51:32 GMT
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 13, 2019 14:13:30 GMT
-------------------------
Home Remedies
-------------------------
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
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Post by althea on Apr 13, 2019 15:01:16 GMT
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Post by althea on Apr 13, 2019 15:15:05 GMT
I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
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Post by althea on Apr 13, 2019 15:16:18 GMT
My grandson's school orchestra played Haydn last night.
Haydn lost.
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Post by althea on Apr 13, 2019 15:17:37 GMT
Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 13, 2019 17:19:20 GMT
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,
their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.
'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...''
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