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Post by rondetto on Apr 17, 2019 17:06:41 GMT
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "Ah well you see, The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 18, 2019 12:44:51 GMT
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.
"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 20, 2019 11:44:24 GMT
Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth looking depressed.
Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"
Gareth said, "You know my wife. She hired a new secretary for me."
Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"
Gareth replied, "Neither. He's bald."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 20, 2019 15:20:03 GMT
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two adults round trip,and three kids three one way."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 21, 2019 9:30:50 GMT
Harry Truman was known for his blunt manner of speaking. When he made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, he kept referring to the "good manure" that needed to be used on the flowers.
Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. "Couldn't you get the President to say 'fertilizer'?" they asked.
Mrs. Truman replied, "Heavens, no! It took me twenty-five years to get him to say 'manure.'
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Post by rondetto on Apr 21, 2019 10:19:46 GMT
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.” speaker replied, “You don't know my wife. The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”
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Post by rondetto on Apr 21, 2019 17:16:55 GMT
One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was £80.000 and the man had only £79.998 to pay.
The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be £80.000.
The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went over to him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him £2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is wanting to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man £4 and said: Please buy one for me too."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 22, 2019 11:39:31 GMT
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of chocolates make a person gain five pounds.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
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Post by althea on Apr 22, 2019 15:12:11 GMT
Me and the wife went to a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds.
We both ordered pelican, it was absolutely fantastic...........but the bill was enormous.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 23, 2019 5:20:42 GMT
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"
As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 24, 2019 10:56:53 GMT
Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen
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Post by rondetto on Apr 25, 2019 11:42:37 GMT
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,' said the friend.
‘I'll be right over,' whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?'
‘Oh yes, quite serious,' said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!'
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Post by rondetto on Apr 25, 2019 16:30:35 GMT
Daisy, a resident nurse at Chester hospital, was not satisfied with her job, so she resigned. She was confident that she would easily find another job due to the high demand for nurses in her locality.
She sent e-mails with cover letters to several potential employers and attached her resume to each one. A couple of weeks later, Daisy was disappointed as she had not received a single invitation for an interview.
Finally she received a mail from a prospective employer which explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the bread pudding recipe."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 26, 2019 12:45:58 GMT
John was a patient living in a mental hospital since many years. Lately, he had developed this habit of putting his ear to the wall and listening.
The hospital doctor would watch John do this day after day. One day, the doctor finally decided to see what John was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to John and said, "I don't hear anything."
John said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for many months now!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 26, 2019 13:57:36 GMT
There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
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