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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2019 12:34:54 GMT
There is a rooster and its on a mountain and it lays an egg and the wind is blowing which way does the egg fall? (Scroll down for answer)
Answer:: Roosters do not actually lay eggs, hens do.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2019 14:08:28 GMT
There is a rooster and its on a mountain and it lays an egg and the wind is blowing which way does the egg fall? (Scroll down for answer)
Answer:: Roosters do not actually lay eggs, hens do.Careful, you'll have the gender equality lot onto you. There was a man on the TV the other morning who had given birth to a child - I kid you not
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2019 15:58:39 GMT
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Post by althea on Jan 20, 2019 16:10:22 GMT
I looked up my family tree the other day,and found out I'm the sap.
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Post by althea on Jan 20, 2019 16:11:23 GMT
More info on the great Post Office robbery -they charged me £4.50 for a second class parcel!
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Post by althea on Jan 20, 2019 16:12:30 GMT
In the present economic crisis,I'm worried about whether Ireland can stay afloat - Cork,maybe.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2019 17:33:43 GMT
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2019 5:21:50 GMT
-------------------------
Wisdom From Senior Citizens
-------------------------
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were
out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
though.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the
hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and
stay resident.
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Post by honeybear on Jan 21, 2019 9:16:04 GMT
I was playing Scrabble with Midge Ure when he suddenly shouts "this means nothing to me!"
O V N R
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2019 11:36:23 GMT
Joe, though not a scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew far and wide...and soon people from all over the country were coming to his home town to have portraits done.
One day, a limousine pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Joe if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Joe.
The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay £75,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Joe asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Yes sure you bet I will. I'll paint you in the nude, but I'll have to leave my socks on so I'll have a place to keep my brushes."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2019 14:52:03 GMT
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2019 15:23:21 GMT
One day there was a preacher that was expressing to his
deacons how upset he was that his brand new bike had been
stolen.
The last place that he could remember leaving it was outside
the church. So he figured someone at the church had to have
stolen it.
One of his deacons came up with the idea of preaching a
sermon on the 10 Commandments, in hope that the bike would be
returned out of guilt. Of course,the preacher agreed.
That Sunday morning, he began to get into his sermon and
started the 10 Commandments.
1.Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
2.Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image....
and so on he went until he came to thou shalt not commit
adultery and the preacher stopped preaching and ended his
sermon. After church the deacons asked the preacher why he stopped half way through the sermon and he replied that he suddenly remembered where his bike was.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2019 11:48:08 GMT
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"
"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2019 13:43:18 GMT
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2019 5:35:00 GMT
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the Merseyside schools. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold
it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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