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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2019 11:23:38 GMT
Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a bank. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.
Martin's wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received an email which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2019 14:59:55 GMT
A tourist, driving by a Cheshire farm, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about £200 today," said the farmer. "But in six years, it would have been worth £900. So £900 is what I'm out."
The tourist sat down and wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer.
"Here, is the cheque for £900," he said. "By the way, It's postdated six years from now."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2019 12:07:00 GMT
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.
"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2019 12:08:20 GMT
Two New labourers landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here... Oh bugger!!... There goes another one!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2019 18:07:14 GMT
So, Moses went up to the mountain to negotiate the commandments with God. His people anxiously awaited his return.
Eventually Moses came down the mountain looking tired and drained.
"Well," He announced, "There's good new and there's bad news."
"The good news is that I got him down to just ten commandments,
the bad news is that adultery is still in there."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2019 6:22:25 GMT
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2019 12:30:06 GMT
The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She took one look and said, "Ok, Tell me... Does it also come in men's sizes?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2019 12:59:18 GMT
I'm getting on in years now. When you get to my age three things go. First to go is your memory....I can't remember what the other two are.
Did you hear about that fat man on a bus, he gave his seat up and three women sat down.
Talking about that, my auntie was so fat that when she hung her nightie on the line a troop of scouts moved in.
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Post by althea on Jan 25, 2019 16:43:13 GMT
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Post by althea on Jan 25, 2019 16:45:06 GMT
I've downloaded the soundtrack from Titanic..
It's synching right now.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2019 18:34:15 GMT
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 26, 2019 6:21:43 GMT
A man was arrested yesterday trying to steal a combine harvester. He fell into it while trying. He's due to be bailed tomorrow.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 26, 2019 11:39:10 GMT
One day St. Peter saw a scouse street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The scousers?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 26, 2019 15:07:07 GMT
An English businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get some European food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."
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Post by ARENA on Jan 27, 2019 8:53:40 GMT
LITTLE KNOWN FACT ....
Willie Nelson is an illegal wrestling hold!!
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