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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2019 10:02:22 GMT
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2019 12:56:45 GMT
"You never get anything right," scolded Mrs. Jacob, the science teacher. "I don't know how anyone can ever believe a thing you say...What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?"
Suzie said, "Well, I want to be the weather forecaster on TV."
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Post by althea on Jan 17, 2019 16:15:44 GMT
Does anyone know how to get some large boxes quickly? A woman I know is moving at short notice and hasn't had chance to prepare. If you have any to spare could you please send them to 10,Downing Street.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2019 17:07:45 GMT
Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?
"Five pounds, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. You Take the case and I'll walk and meet you there."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2019 18:25:31 GMT
Jim, who was about to retire from work, was gifted a set of golf clubs by his colleagues.
Wanting to learn the game, he approached a professional for guidance, clarifying that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The professional showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
Jim, the trainee teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?", Jim asked the dumbfounded professional.
"Uh... well you're supposed to hit the ball into that hole." the professional finally managed to mutter.
Jim replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2019 6:12:45 GMT
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2019 12:45:47 GMT
A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard the flight to Manchester. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in two hours. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to have a crap, and then I'm gonna screw the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant."
His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a crap first."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2019 18:56:51 GMT
A cocky council employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Quick, Show him your card!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2019 6:24:59 GMT
"I have good news and bad news," a defence Lawyer told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress which shows your guilt."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 4."
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Post by honeybear on Jan 19, 2019 7:54:49 GMT
Two cannibals are eating Michael McIntyre, one says, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says, "Not at all." His mate replies, "No, me neither."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2019 11:39:16 GMT
That's clever, I can't stand Michael McIntyre too.
Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall were checking out their new villa.
Rupert had paid for the house and he felt the urge to keep reminding his wife about it.
As they went to each room, he said to her, "Jerry, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."
Jerry kept quiet.
That evening, their new furniture was delivered, furniture which Rupert had paid for. After the furniture was set, they took another look at the house. As they saw the gloriously decorated house, Murdoch reminded Jerry.
"If it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."
Jerry maintained her silence.
Later that evening, another vehicle delivered a state-of-the-art electronics system with home theatre.
Again, Rupert could not help himself but remind Jerry, "Sweetheart, it it were not for my money, this system would not be here."
Jerry was not quiet this time. She replied, "Sweetheart, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2019 14:13:20 GMT
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2019 17:22:02 GMT
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2019 11:38:49 GMT
I had unintentionally become the centre of attraction at the supermarket this morning. I was standing in the queue to make payment. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier made the strangest request - he said to me, "Strip down, facing me."
Well, I needed the groceries, so I did as told. But not before I had made a mental note to file a complaint with the management.
There was some screaming and shrieking and I finally realized that he was referring to my credit card.
I have been barred from entering the supermarket premises.
Don't you think we seniors deserve clearer instructions?
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Post by ARENA on Jan 20, 2019 11:49:02 GMT
Phil goes for a keebab
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