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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2019 11:48:19 GMT
Paul, the priest got himself a set of false teeth at the dental clinic.
The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he spoke for only five minutes.
The next Sunday, he spoke for only ten minutes.
The Sunday after that, he spoke for three hours.
The congregation had to fight him to get him down from the pulpit and they were curious to know what made him talk so much.
Priest Paul explained the first Sunday his gums hurt real bad, so he couldn't talk for more than five minutes.
The second Sunday was no better and he managed to speak for just about ten minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and found it impossible to shut up.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2019 16:23:17 GMT
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy sits there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy: "are you feeling any better now?"
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Post by ARENA on Jan 13, 2019 9:54:51 GMT
People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2019 11:44:12 GMT
Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the
newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled!
Isn't she cute?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
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Post by althea on Jan 13, 2019 15:25:51 GMT
I bought my vegan friend a cookbook. She couldn't accept it because it was leather bound and
it was too heavy for her to lift.
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Post by althea on Jan 13, 2019 15:26:24 GMT
Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn't last as long for fat people.
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Post by althea on Jan 13, 2019 15:26:58 GMT
My parents were so rich,that to get me through my history exam,I had my own personal Tudor.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2019 15:30:07 GMT
A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He shook his head and said: "Ah..That's your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2019 5:18:52 GMT
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2019 13:31:18 GMT
I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to
seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited
for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel
better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes
then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled
look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and
said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is
very common among losers like you."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2019 6:25:31 GMT
-------------------------
Personal Questions
-------------------------
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mummy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite.."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mum won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers licence. It is like a report card, it has everything ! on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know! why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2019 9:44:49 GMT
Amy: "Can people predict the future with cards?"
Joan:"My mother can."
Amy: "Really?"
Joan: "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2019 16:40:48 GMT
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately.
He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"Oh. I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 16, 2019 12:49:46 GMT
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "In that case I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Post by honeybear on Jan 17, 2019 8:25:16 GMT
Some day I’ll be skinny. Today is not that day.
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