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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2019 17:22:19 GMT
Joe, walking home was a little tipsy but had done nothing wrong.
He is arrested and the policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."
Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."
The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."
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Post by ARENA on Jan 9, 2019 8:35:00 GMT
I rang the White House yesterday and said: I want to be the next PRESIDENT of USA.* The operator said : Are you an idiot? I replied : Is it compulsory??
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2019 13:42:24 GMT
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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Post by althea on Jan 10, 2019 11:55:46 GMT
I think it's time to thank you,Ron,for keeping this thread going. You are doing a sterling job.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 10, 2019 13:30:22 GMT
Thanks for that, nice to know people are having a smile.
Two London lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Post by ARENA on Jan 10, 2019 15:14:16 GMT
Blonde: I'd like to order a burger,fries and a milkshake Girl at desk: THIS is a library! Blonde: (whispers) I'd like to order a burger ,fries and a milkshake.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2019 6:19:50 GMT
-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Drunken Drivers Paid £1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking biscuits
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Blackpool Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
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Post by aubrey on Jan 11, 2019 9:19:49 GMT
This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart.
(John Aubrey)
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2019 12:30:52 GMT
We all can agree, no matter what colour you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend.
Look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it must be you.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2019 15:12:45 GMT
A trainee accountant was being scolded for cooking a clients books.
His boss says: "Don't you know what ethics is?"
"Of course I know what ethics is,"replied the young man. "It's a county in southern England."
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Post by althea on Jan 11, 2019 16:34:58 GMT
Finding it hard to stick to a diet,I phoned Slimming World and asked if they could send someone round. They said, "of course we can,we have hundreds of those."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2019 16:52:03 GMT
Brenda asked her friend Sharon, "Why did you cut a hole in your new umbrella?
Sharon replied, "How else am I supposed to know when it stops raining?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2019 17:32:58 GMT
The wife texts her husband at work on a cold winter morning. "Windows won't open, I think it's frozen."
Husband texts back, !No problem, gently pour some lukewarm water over it then tap it and it should be ok."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later. "Oh bugger, now that's really buggered the computer up."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2019 17:38:49 GMT
A guy enters a busy bar waving a gun around and shouting: "Who the hell had sex with my wife?" A little voice in the background was heard to answer, "I hope you've got plenty of bullets mate."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2019 17:47:05 GMT
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
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