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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2017 10:48:18 GMT
First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?"
Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2017 10:50:23 GMT
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to the high street?''
The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take me then?''
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2017 13:50:20 GMT
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being cast for the top roles.
Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."
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Post by ARENA on Jan 24, 2017 14:21:28 GMT
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being cast for the top roles.
Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they were among the most famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2017 16:08:43 GMT
A man was on holiday in Wales with a friend who was a ventriloquist. They were leaning over a gate and decided to have a bit of fun with the farmer who was in the field.
‘Hello Dai, nice morning, but tell me, can your dog talk?’
‘Don’t be so bloody daft man, or course he can’t talk!’
At which the dog, via the ventriloquist said
‘Of course I can talk, and here is great. I get to run around most of the day and maybe a ride in the back of the land rover, and after that some decent grub and a bed by the stove. Couldn’t be better’
The farmer was amazed, and then the man asked, ‘What about your horse, can he talk?’
This time he was a bit more hesitant and said ‘Well I never heard him talk so I don’t think so’
But the horse turned and said ‘Like Gyp there life is pretty good. I have a nice warm stable, get lots of hay and occasionally get to ride into town. Yes, life is very good.’
So the man then turned and said ‘What about your sheep, can they talk’
And quick as a flash the farmer turned and said
‘Most of those sheep are bloody liars!’
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2017 16:26:06 GMT
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the inappropriate behaviour that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So while he was debating what to do about the 95%
He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them - give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
No, I didn't get one either.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 26, 2017 10:02:53 GMT
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Liverpool cafe, four elderly farmers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Benidorm in Spain.
For our 50th, I'm thinking about going back there to pick her up."
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Post by althea on Jan 26, 2017 10:46:59 GMT
Don't laugh too loud! This could well become reality! Obama and Hilary and Trump get to heaven. Obama, Hillary, and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, and what you believe in."
God asks Obama, "what do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honour are the
fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
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Post by althea on Jan 26, 2017 10:48:47 GMT
Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the policeman he looked stunning. Then I messed it up by saying, "and that's not the drink talking either".
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Post by althea on Jan 26, 2017 10:49:54 GMT
I just paid for a twelve months gym membership and my bank called to see if my credit card had been stolen..........
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Post by althea on Jan 26, 2017 11:11:08 GMT
I looked up my family tree the other day.I found out I was the sap.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 26, 2017 13:39:58 GMT
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,, he said there was no way he was flying in this the way it is now." Explained the Flight Attendant, "Then it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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Post by ARENA on Jan 26, 2017 18:09:47 GMT
Man in chippie says,I'll have cod'n'chips twice.
Chippie: I heard you the first time!
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Post by marispiper on Jan 26, 2017 20:45:31 GMT
Scientists were studying crow behaviour, since they are quite clever birds.
They eat a lot of road kill and noted there is usually a lookout crow, perched in a nearby tree to warn the feasting birds of an on-coming vehicle.
However, the scientists found that a high number of birds were actually killed and by looking at their bodies, discovered these birds were killed by heavy goods lorries.
The scientists did discover the reason for this; it was the lookout bird...it had only learned to call out "Cah! Cah!"
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Post by ARENA on Jan 27, 2017 9:17:12 GMT
My family has a genetic predisposition to diarrhoea....... it runs in our jeans.
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