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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2017 12:51:54 GMT
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular deaf and dumb customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2017 14:58:49 GMT
Wife: "Did you notice how sweet our neighbour is to his wife? He kisses her all the time. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "I would love to. But I don't know the woman that well."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2017 15:53:39 GMT
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the lorry in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain a large amount of upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the first officer told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.
The officer replied . . . "Tacks evasion."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2017 15:55:01 GMT
A young lady met her friend for the first time in several months.
'You look awful' she said, 'I thought you had been away on holiday?'
'Yes, I went to Malaysia with a group'
'Was it OK?'
'Well yes, but three days before we came home we were walking in the woods and I stepped off the trail to answer a call of nature. A big male Orang Utan ran up out of the bushes and took me from behind. I feel absolutely awful'
'Good grief, have you been to the hospital, been to the doctor?'
'No no no, you don't understand. He has never written, doesn't phone....'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 27, 2017 17:28:20 GMT
A man asks the chemist: "Do you have anything to get rid of rats?"
"No," says the chemist. "Have you tried Boots?"
"No, I want to poison them, not kick them to death."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 28, 2017 11:25:22 GMT
Parishioner: "That was a fine sermon.
Priest: "Yes, but the audience was full of idiots."
Parishioner: "Is that why you addressed them as your brothers and sisters?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 28, 2017 11:27:04 GMT
The kindergarten class had settled down to its colouring
books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "Well. what happened to all them
crayons?"
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Post by aubrey on Jan 28, 2017 11:41:48 GMT
A couple of linked anecdotes. Richard Herring once told the story of the actor and father of Lily, Keith Allen, bursting into the Groucho Club and demanding who, of the assembled members, would like to perform an act of oral gratification on him (he did not use those terms). Then, looking about and seeing that the club that night was full of people he didn't know, he blushed, and went off to a dark corner with his tail (ahem) between his legs. Anyway, the second part is that I told this story to my brother, and he laughed uproariously: far more uproariously, I thought, than the story warranted. We were talking about it the following week, and he told me that he had thought I was talking about Keith Harris.  |
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Post by marispiper on Jan 28, 2017 12:06:41 GMT
^^^
Now that IS funny 😁😁😁
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Post by rondetto on Jan 28, 2017 14:16:14 GMT
Dinner speaker: "Why did you write me such a long speech? The people were bored!"
Secretary: "Sir, I gave you a 20-minute speech, plus the two extra copies you wanted."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 28, 2017 14:56:30 GMT
Paddy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your porridge see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
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Post by althea on Jan 28, 2017 17:29:34 GMT
My family has a genetic predisposition to diarrhoea....... it runs in our jeans. But we don't notice until we remove our cycle clips. |
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Post by rondetto on Jan 29, 2017 12:00:42 GMT
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 29, 2017 13:11:00 GMT
One snake asks another, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replies, "Yes, of course! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
The first says, "I just bit my tongue."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 11:40:46 GMT
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the judge liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the £12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
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