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Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2017 12:12:22 GMT
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"I Opened a can of peas instead."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2017 16:47:25 GMT
Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself.
A boy of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the lad next door also bought an album. "He buys every stamp I do," the boy complained to his father, "and he's taken all the fun of it away." "Don't be a fool, my boy," said his wise dad. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2017 11:37:09 GMT
"Doctor, I keep stealing things."
"Have you taken anything for it?"
"Yes, Two TVs and a ladies handbag."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2017 12:49:13 GMT
"Doctor, doctor, I think I've gone a funny colour."
"Nonsense, it's just a pigment of your imagination."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2017 15:07:09 GMT
Murphy's laws:
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most severe damage will be the one to go wrong.
Every solution breeds new problems.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2017 11:51:54 GMT
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did my next door neighbours, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied.
"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2017 14:52:11 GMT
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a pole dancer."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2017 17:06:16 GMT
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental
hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and
ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I
see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.
Do you have any idea what you might do once you're
released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went
to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good
field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I
might write a book about my experience here in the hospital,
what it's like to be a patient here. People might be
interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I
thought I might go back to college and study art history,
which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare
time, I can carry on being a teapot."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2017 11:43:39 GMT
A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"
"It's a thermos"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"So whatcha got in it?"
"Two ice lollies and a cup of coffee."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2017 13:51:16 GMT
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him.
He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2017 15:07:19 GMT
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Rio to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Irish team. Fencing."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2017 10:19:26 GMT
Two cannibals are having dinner. One says to the other "I don't like your friend."
The other replies, "Well, set him aside and just eat the vegetables."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2017 14:23:47 GMT
MONA LISA’S MOTHER:"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS MOTHER: “I don'’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”
MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can'’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren'’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can'’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it's your senior picture. Can'’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something."
JONAH'’S MOTHER: “That'’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”
THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2017 15:59:29 GMT
One cannibal to another: "Your wife makes a great soup."
Second cannibal: "Yes! But I'm going to miss her terribly."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2017 16:05:51 GMT
The following is a true story. besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a toilet and explained that he had been jogging inside the toilet cabin.
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