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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2017 18:21:03 GMT
These are a few things that made me smile when people filled
in their applications for a job.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job, always been sacked."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"I was working for my mum until she decided to move."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 16, 2017 11:57:28 GMT
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you £3.99 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
The moral of the story ........... DON'T MESS WITH MY WIFE
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Post by rondetto on Jan 16, 2017 13:05:37 GMT
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"
Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 16, 2017 17:41:53 GMT
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2016:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2017 12:46:16 GMT
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an EMPTY swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2017 13:44:19 GMT
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock. "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"  |
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2017 17:53:15 GMT
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. “Don't jump!” the pilot yelled. “This thing is supposed to float!”
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2017 18:42:12 GMT
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says:
"Suture self."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2017 10:00:16 GMT
SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS
1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)
2. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)
3. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
4. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)
5. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
6. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
7. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
8. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
9. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
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Post by marispiper on Jan 18, 2017 12:14:10 GMT
A Norwegian took a trip to Birkenhead while visiting Liverpool. While in a bar, an old man on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The old man said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the man.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Liverpool the Norwegian went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some old guy in a bar in Birkenhead" That was my joke on page five...nobody liked it! |
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Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2017 12:34:45 GMT
One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.
The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "what are you going to use this fertilizer for?"
The man said, "For my strawberries."
The boy replied, "I think you'd find them much nicer with sugar and cream on your strawberries."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2017 16:17:26 GMT
A little bird sat frozen to a branch, only just about alive. The sun slowly thawed the branch and being too weak to fly he fell into a farmyard, landing in a fresh cow pat.
The warmth slowly penetrated his body and he revived. He was so happy he flew to the top of the tree and sang his little heart out. The farmer was passing, raised his gun and shot him dead.
The moral of this tale?
If you get to the top of the tree via bullshit don't bloody well sing about it!
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Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2017 16:30:49 GMT
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery and affairs.
I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2017 16:37:47 GMT
There was an old scribe at the Vatican who's sole job was copying ancient texts into beautiful calligraphy.
One day he said to his boss 'Father, I have been copying these texts for 40 years, but I am only copying copies of previous copies made by scribes long gone. How do I know that the words I am copying are indeed correct?'
His boss looked at him and thought then said 'My son if ou want to you can search the archives in the cellars in your time off. You have the experience to do that'
So the scribe spent months in the cellars and in the end found a text which he took to his boss, who looked at it carefully and said
'Bugger, the word is celebrate!'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2017 21:39:24 GMT
Jose's dad picked him up from school to take him to
a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school
play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his
son if he got one.
Jose enthusiastically announced that he had.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before
you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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