These are the jokes,folks.

My grandfather always went on about the time when you didn't need locks and could just leave your back door open.......Maybe that's why his submarine sank.

You can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them.

I was standing in the queue in Aldi earlier and a voice announced "Checkout no.5 please."

I thought, I've seen better than her.



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Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife? He was an aunt eater.



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I was talking to this Irish dancer who was also a stamp collector.

Michael Philately.



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I was shopping for a new bed and I complained to the shop manager that his staff were constantly making bed related puns.

He replied, duvet really?



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There has been reported that there has been an increase of thefts of bells recently.

Police believe it is the start of a chimewave.



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Yesterday I arranged to meet my mathematician friend at half six.

He turned up at three.



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A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry about the wait.'

I said, 'don't worry fatso, you might lose it eventually'.



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I've made a Ventriloquist's doll from a piece of old carpet.

It's ruggish!



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I saw a sign at a restaurant that said: “Shoes must be worn."

I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.



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I feel so strongly about graffiti in toilets that I've signed a partition.



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My joiner said he wasn’t able to clamp two pieces of wood together as he needed a vice.

I told him I didn’t feel qualified to suggest anything.



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I've got one of those Smart showers when you you can tell if someone's filling the kettle downstairs.



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My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger...

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!



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Instead of exes, they should be called whys.

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”