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Post by ARENA on Nov 6, 2024 15:33:47 GMT
You'd think with all the money Lady Gaga has made , she'd be able to afford a dress.
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:51:03 GMT
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:51:23 GMT
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:52:37 GMT
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:53:34 GMT
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:55:18 GMT
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:56:24 GMT
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:57:27 GMT
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:58:21 GMT
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 15:58:44 GMT
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 16:01:44 GMT
Just recently any time I hear a joke it makes me sick.
Must be a gag reflex
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 16:06:28 GMT
Show me a clean and tidy house, and I will show you a house with no internet connection.......
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 16:06:39 GMT
Jonathan Ross can juggle two chocolate bars and he can do a vent act while he eats two chocolate bars.
He calls them his party twix!
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Post by althea on Nov 6, 2024 16:15:33 GMT
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
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Post by ARENA on Nov 7, 2024 12:52:23 GMT
The fat nurse said to me, "You know what's wrong with the NHS . Holby City."
Actually she might have said "Obesity"
I'm not sure . she was eating a cake at the time.
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