These are the jokes,folks.

Went to a Weightwatchers meeting last week and someone dropped a bag of Maltesers. It was the

funniest game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen.

I was raised by a herd of billy goats.

We couldn't afford a nanny.



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The total number of people who get words wrong, would cover an area the thighs of whales.



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I went for a drink with some heavy smokers and I have never smoked. They kept giving me cigarettes. I think they were trying to lead me ashtray!



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For Sale: Scrabble set missing a few letters.

Needs some TLC.



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Saw a brilliant documentary about tomatoes last night.

If you missed it, it's available on ketchup TV.



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Suffering from memory loss lately. Went to the supermarket the other day, shopping done and at the checkouts.

Went to pull out my wallet and guess what?……..

Yep, I’d forgotten my trousers!!



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I was taking the M25 motorway out of London this evening and a policeman stopped me and made me put it back.



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I took Squirrel vitamins yesterday.

This morning I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed.



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I asked my wife when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.



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Should I watch the James Bond movie on TV or visit my Welsh friend?

I'll watch the movie.

After all, I can see Dai another day.



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A guy is walking past a driveway and sees a Jamaican putting up a sign that reads "Boat for sale."

The man looks but all he can see is a caravan and a jeep.

Confused he says to the Jamaican, "Where's the boat, all I see is a caravan and a jeep?"

"Yes, mon," replies the Jamaican, "and they're boat for sale!"



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The Manchester United players are in the dressing room getting ready for the match. Just before the game, Casemiro walks in.

"Boss," he says, "There's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."

"Hey," says Marcus Rashford. "If he's having a new car, so am I."



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An idea for a new TV show, Grey Peter, it's a bit like Blue Peter, but it's just people eating grapes.



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I thought that training as an airport baggage handler would be fairly simple ...

But actually, there's a lot to take on board.



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My cactus plant was looking sad but never mind the other plants photosympathised with it.

Dyslexic zombies only eat Brians.

My phone has this app that shows me what I'll look like when I'm old.
It's called a camera.

Actually this is not a joke Althea.
I bought a x7 magnifying glass which has it's own led light.
OMG, in it I look even worse than I thought 🤣

Paddy goes into a newly opened coffee outlet in town.
"I'll have a cappuccino" he says to the charming lady.
She makes it and he takes a sip..."Ooh, now that's grand, lovely flavour"
"Glad you like it" she says "my husband got it specially from Brazil"
"That's amazin" says Paddy "and it's still warm as well.." 😁