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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:13:19 GMT
Hell hath no fury like a mildly inconvenienced cat.
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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:15:06 GMT
My friend told me, "You can't go around saving everyone else, you have to save yourself." He was a terrible lifeguard.
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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:16:28 GMT
Anyone who cannot laugh at puns is suffering from an irony deficiency.
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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:18:05 GMT
The difference between me and Superman, is that Superman has super vision and I require supervision.
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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:19:26 GMT
Pre - means before and Post - means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 31, 2024 13:53:30 GMT
I've cut down on my drinking. I now have one large dram before bed.
Last night l went to bed 6 times.
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I got the job of senior director at old MacDonald's farm
I'm now the CiEiO.
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Me: “Who is the most handsome man in the world?”
Wife: “Ewan McGregor”
Me: “Thank you but you can just pick one”
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I was talking to a nurse the other day, she said the problem with the world today is Holby City.
On second thoughts she might have said obesity.
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Paddy & Murphy are doing the crossword puzzle.
Paddy asks: "How do you spell paint?"
Murphy replies: "It depends, what colour?"
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My mate said he toured round the north of France this summer and raised money by doing Star Trek impressions.
I said, "Dunkirk?".
He said, "Yeah, I did them all."
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My wife had just gone into labour.
NURSE: "Have you considered Epidural Anaesthesia?"
ME: "It's OK, we've already chosen a name."
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This chef on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavour."
I know he means food, but I still took it as a compliment.
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We have to thank that clever man for inventing electricity,
otherwise we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."
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I got a rash from using a can of adhesive.
I guess I must be glue tin intolerant.
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A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head..
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My American friend asked me if I had ever been abroad?
I said: "No, I've always been a fella!"
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 14:02:17 GMT
I have a doctor's appointment. Looking to swap for an Oasis ticket.
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 14:32:11 GMT
I have come up with a new dating App idea. You match with people who are on the same meds as you. I'll call it "Relationscripts."
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 14:32:44 GMT
There is a movement out there to clean up our rivers and streams. Let's band together and give credence to this clearwater revival.
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 14:33:22 GMT
Why does cooking take like six hours.......... Eating takes like three minutes and washing up takes like seven days and seven nights.........
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 14:34:12 GMT
What's the difference between Iron man and Aluminium man? Iron man stops the bad guys. Aluminium man just foils their plans.
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 14:34:45 GMT
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I looked up my symptoms - it's adulthood.
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 14:35:08 GMT
Don't tell secrets in the garden, the beanstalk and potatoes have eyes.
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 15:38:11 GMT
The best therapist has fur and four legs.
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Post by althea on Sept 2, 2024 15:38:37 GMT
I do all my ironing in the dryer.
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