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Post by althea on Aug 21, 2024 15:39:41 GMT
I was going to sail around the world in the world's smallest ship, but I bottled it..
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Post by althea on Aug 22, 2024 12:02:06 GMT
I'm taking up a new sport, it's called Silent Tennis. It's like regular Tennis, but without the racket.
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Post by althea on Aug 22, 2024 12:23:35 GMT
Laughing too loudly is not allowed in Hawaii. Your only allowed a low ha.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 25, 2024 10:42:40 GMT
I went to McDonalds today, it was tipping down with rain.
He said what can I get you?
I said a Big Mac please.
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Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you mad ?, We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?"
And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'...!!!
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I once tried to buy a house on an Indian reservation, I asked,”Does it come with running water?” He replied,”No, get your own wife.”
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Me: "I'm completely out of breath, I didn't know how much that would take out of me."
The personal trainer: "Sir, that was just a tour of the gym."
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My wife says if I sit around all day not moving, I'll get atrophy.
Brilliant! I've never won anything in my life.
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To get his mind off his losing streak at Chester races, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.
"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I shouted back.
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BREAKING NEWS!...
They"ve found a 20 stone cream bun on Mars...
They think it’s an Extra Cholesterol!!
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Breaking News
Man faints on luggage carousel at Manchester Airport.
He is slowly coming round.
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My mate stopped me and asked me where I was going. I said: "I'm off to the cinema to see The fat and the furious."
He said: "Don't you mean The fast and the furious?"
I said: "No, the wife and mother in law both work there."
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When she said lets do unspeakable things.
Reading Welsh railway stations wasnt quite what I had in mind.
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I should’ve known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet,
now my toilet is clogged.
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Post by althea on Aug 26, 2024 11:42:53 GMT
Seems in this country its now a criminal offence to laugh.
If you're using nitrous oxide.
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Post by althea on Aug 26, 2024 11:48:39 GMT
I explored the possibility of getting one of those expensive personal trainers. I can't believe that for all that money, they still expect you to do the exercises yourself.
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Post by ARENA on Aug 26, 2024 12:22:07 GMT
Some women would be much happier if mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.
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Post by althea on Aug 26, 2024 12:49:35 GMT
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.” The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh,” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
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Post by althea on Aug 26, 2024 13:01:42 GMT
I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left...
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Post by althea on Aug 26, 2024 13:04:03 GMT
Be a minimalist - it's the least you can do.......
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Post by lily on Aug 27, 2024 7:20:20 GMT
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.” The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. “Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?” “Oh,” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.” Excellent! If I had acted like the old woman, I would have been richer than her!
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Post by rondetto on Aug 27, 2024 15:39:07 GMT
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "Darling, I have great news - I'm a month overdue. I think were going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill. "Are you Mrs Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do you know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, its in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files???" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "Pay you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."😂
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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:10:33 GMT
I wish that my life had background music so that I could figure out what the hell is going on.
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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:11:50 GMT
I hate when I gain 10lbs for a role, then remember I'm not an actress.
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Post by althea on Aug 29, 2024 10:12:28 GMT
I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains, on four tracks that narrowly avoid crashing when the tracks converge and all of the conductors are screaming.
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