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Post by ARENA on Aug 3, 2024 6:29:56 GMT
I went to an antique shop ........... they wouldn't let me leave.
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Post by ARENA on Aug 3, 2024 8:55:08 GMT
I went to the doctor with this buzzing in my ear , he said don't worry it's a bug going round
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Post by rondetto on Aug 3, 2024 15:30:29 GMT
I was driving down the road this morning when I suddenly disappeared into a portion of sour cream and chive.
I didn't see the dip in the road.
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I've just got back from the doctors.
He said I've got to have an earring made.
What a strange thing to say.
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I just got a job at the magazine: 'U-Boat Monthly'.
I'm the new sub editor.
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I often get a "Yes!" when women catch sight of me.
But it's usually followed by, "That's him, officer."
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More Great news from Paris.
Congratulations to Ron Seal for getting the Gold Medal in the Fencing.
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Saw my doctor today, he said "What's the problem?"
I said "I keep feeling like I'm an ocean"
He said, "Can you be more pacific?"
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More good news from the Paris Olympics.
I've got into the Final group of six contestants in the Side ways Glancing competition....
I'm Not Looking Forward To it.
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I went for meal with a load of electricians last night.
None of them wanted starters they just went straight for the mains.
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My Grandfather told us he invented the Ventriloquist Doll.
When I say 'invented' he had a hand in it.
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Post by ARENA on Aug 4, 2024 12:50:19 GMT
One day I'll start behaving myself but not today.....tomorrow's not looking good either
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Post by ARENA on Aug 4, 2024 13:26:42 GMT
Remember when we used to pay ,at the circus , to see the fat tattooed lady....now there everywhere.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 8, 2024 12:27:08 GMT
DOCTOR: "Did you sleep with the window open like I told you?"
ME: "Yes doc. Wide open."
DOCTOR: "And has your bronchitis gone?"
ME: "No, but my laptop and mobile phone have."
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When I left school I decided to become a joiner.
Now I have 27 gym memberships and 300 library cards.
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My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses earlier and broke them.
With hindsight it was probably my fault, I should have taken them off first!
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My rum and raisin cake is gluten free. It's also raisin free. And cake free.
Oh Ok it's just rum.
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Two animals escaped from the local zoo earlier today, a giraffe and a mouse!! Police are hunting high and low!!
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"My wife's buying a house in southern France."
"Toulouse?"
"No, just one but there should be room to add an en-suite."
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Just read a book titled 'How to Survive Falling Down a Staircase'
It's a step by step guide.
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Some sad news today.
My Ventriloquist Dummy has left me after 40 years..It was a complete Golt out of the Glue.
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Paddy says to Mick "Oi've got sometin' stuck in me throat and oi can't breath properly!"
Mick says "Are yer choakin?"
Paddy replies "No, I'm bloomin' serious!
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When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?”
I said, “No, not particularly."
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Post by ARENA on Aug 10, 2024 9:57:24 GMT
My latest girlfriend asked me to smack her bottom , I said "Why" She said I'm into punishment.
I didn't feel able to smack her , so I made her stand in the corner.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 11, 2024 10:15:54 GMT
Children are such cry babies.
Where does it say that when you do magic tricks, the rabbit you pull out of the hat has to be alive?
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My grandad only ever had one goal in his life...... which wasn't very good for a centre forward!
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Item for sale in the local newspaper:
"Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, £30. [If she’s home, £100.]"
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I used to get all my clothes online.
Then the neighbours started taking in their washing at night.
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My missus has just told me she has broken her Satnav and wants £150 for a new one.
She can get lost.
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If l had 50p for every time l've failed a maths test. l would have £11.30 now.
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55 years ago the Apollo 11 mission landed on the moon.
May their names live on forever:
Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and that other bloke.
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The forecast this weekend is for constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde. Also hurrycanes.
A really bad spell of wether.
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I suppose if the Olympics ended Sunday at a French nude beach, there would be a clothing ceremony.
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Post by ARENA on Aug 12, 2024 12:24:41 GMT
There comes a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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Post by althea on Aug 14, 2024 14:49:45 GMT
Qatar Airlines missed a great opportunity to call themselves Air Qatar.
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Post by ARENA on Aug 14, 2024 15:37:26 GMT
Qatar Airlines missed a great opportunity to call themselves Air Qatar. Great to have you back A, Glad to see , despite everything, you haven't lost your sense of humour
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Post by ARENA on Aug 16, 2024 8:26:47 GMT
She new she was getting old when she tried to get the wrinkles out of her stockings before remembering she wasn't wearing any
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Post by althea on Aug 16, 2024 18:42:27 GMT
I asked my local librarian if she had a book by Shakespeare.
"Which one" she asked.
"William," I replied.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 17, 2024 10:46:42 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Aug 18, 2024 10:27:07 GMT
Yesterday was National Awareness Day....
I didn't know that.
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I found a Load of Zips and Buttons Dumped on my front lawn this morning..
Someone's been Fly Tipping.
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Two blokes trapped in a cave, one says to the other,”it’s so dark I can’t see anything.”
The other says,”I’ve only got one match.”
He tried striking it on the wall multiple times.
The first bloke asks,”What’s the problem?”
The other bloke replied,”I don’t know it worked just fine this morning.”
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I was watching the Olympics when it was announced that GB was in a 'Nail biting final'...
How long is that been classed as a sport then?
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At the London fashion show this week, the wearing of many types of formal tie was well demonstrated, but on a very flimsy stage, which unfortunately collapsed.
Thankfully no casual ties were reported.
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Paddy walks into Waterstones and says 'I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare'
The assistant asks 'Which one?'
Paddy replies 'William'
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Havent't seen my Vicar for weeks!
I might have to report it to the missing parsons bureau!
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I'm learning to become a more sensitive lover.
I bought a DVD called 'how to improve your foreplay technique'.
It was really good.
I had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beggining obviously!
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Saw a van this morning, "Robert & Robert painter and decorators."
Sounds like a two bob outfit to me.
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Last weekend, I bought a box of wine. "Lasts for 6 weeks once opened" was printed clearly on the box.
False advertising, it didn't even last one weekend!
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Tomorrow is the annual go braless Day.
Please show support as it was a bit of a flop last year!
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