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Post by althea on Jul 8, 2024 17:48:50 GMT
People who tell me I can do something easy have no idea what I'm incapable of.
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Post by althea on Jul 8, 2024 17:49:11 GMT
People with beards are just people without beards, with beards.
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Post by althea on Jul 9, 2024 16:49:11 GMT
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.......
“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances“
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Post by rondetto on Jul 10, 2024 16:39:01 GMT
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're down from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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Post by althea on Jul 12, 2024 15:28:07 GMT
Do you remember that chiropractor joke I told you about a week back?
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Post by althea on Jul 12, 2024 15:28:27 GMT
I think my greying hair makes me look extinguished.
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Post by althea on Jul 12, 2024 15:28:52 GMT
Running feels great - unless you compare it to not running.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2024 13:57:36 GMT
Rodney says to Trigger," I'm off to America tomorrow ",Trigger Says, "Delawere"? Rodneys says,"I haven't told him Yet."
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Did you know that farmers who talk to there cows get more milk so it’s in one ear and out the udder.
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TIP: Test if spaghetti is ready by throwing it against a wall to see if it sticks.
If it makes a dent, you haven't opened the can.
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I will never date chubby girl
again. She not only broke my heart she also broke my bed.
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My friend was horrified by the results of his genealogy test. He found out that his great, great, great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can’t look himself in the mirror.
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The man who invented the hard-boiled egg, wrapped in sausage meat, then breadcrumbs, has passed away.
Rest easy Scott Chegg.
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A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.
“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.
“Stones, sir,” the officer replies.
The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”
“It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”
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Post by althea on Jul 16, 2024 11:07:55 GMT
My housekeeping style can best be described as "there seems to have been a struggle..."
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Post by althea on Jul 16, 2024 11:08:20 GMT
By the time someone in the meeting says something worth writing down - I've usually taken my pen apart and lost the spring.......
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Post by althea on Jul 16, 2024 11:21:02 GMT
Almost all garden gnomes have little red hats. It's a little gnome fact.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2024 10:51:32 GMT
This letter was sent to the Toxteth High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear High School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Mersey home for Elderly Ladies.
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to f*** off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Yours sincerely,
Ella.
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Post by althea on Jul 17, 2024 11:27:46 GMT
I'm so old,I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
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Post by althea on Jul 17, 2024 13:37:28 GMT
We were so poor, growing up, that we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.
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Post by althea on Jul 17, 2024 14:37:59 GMT
I'd like to say I'm ageing like a fine wine, but in my case it's a fine banana.
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