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Post by althea on Jul 3, 2024 16:07:57 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 3, 2024 16:35:39 GMT
"No thank you, I'm a vegetarian," is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
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Post by althea on Jul 3, 2024 16:36:00 GMT
I'm a trust fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself.
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Post by lily on Jul 4, 2024 3:43:31 GMT
Joe Biden to Chinese president: "Do you have elections?" Chinese President: "Evely molning!"
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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2024 15:31:56 GMT
A friend's wife called him up on his mobile and said, "I know you're seeing another woman - am going to stay with my sister." "Okay, see you when I get there."
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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2024 15:32:32 GMT
When I was a lot younger, burglars broke in to my mother-in-law's house.
Strangely, they stole all her books. Which was a shame, as most of then had not been coloured in...
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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2024 15:32:53 GMT
I tend to think that in all relationships honesty is very important.
At all costs it must be avoided.
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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2024 16:41:11 GMT
"Mum, how old is Andy Murray?" "Nearly 40, love."
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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2024 16:41:36 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2024 16:42:05 GMT
Little known fact:
"T- shirt" is actually short for "Tyrannosaurus shirt."
Because of the short arms.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 5, 2024 17:53:49 GMT
Friday night, Martin went to his friend Carlo and said, "Carlo, I need a favour - I am sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the club for an hour after he closes up?"
Carlo was not very fond of the idea, but being Martin lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After the club closed, Carlo struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Carlo, what are you really up to with all this?"
Carlo, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I am sorry Ramon, my friend Martin is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
Ramon smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Carlo's shoulder, said "Carlo, I think you better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 7, 2024 6:44:41 GMT
When I was a about 10 years old my Mum said to me " Why don't you grow up Stupid"
So I did.
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I asked a carpet fitter to do a runner for me.
I paid him up front and that's the last I saw of him.
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I raised hundreds of pounds at my Bronchitis Support charity event last night.
Everybody coughed up.
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A friend of mine had a blackout at the airport yesterday. He collapsed on to the carousel. It took a while for him to come around again.
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My wife I rang me to say she'd seen a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on the way to it's work. I don't know why but she slammed the phone down on me.
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A guy in Portugal just tried to sell me Ronaldo's football boots.
I think he must be one of those penalty shoe touts.
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My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.
**Henry**
**George**
**Charles**
**Burger**
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This chicken said to me: “I can’t find my eggs!”
I said: “You’ve probably mislaid them."
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Post by althea on Jul 7, 2024 12:59:18 GMT
I hate it when people try to act all intellectual about Mozart, when they've never even seen one of his paintings.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 8, 2024 13:17:21 GMT
A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season. They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra £500 a week.
He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human like gorilla. After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stakes. He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls.
Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"
With this a lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"
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Post by althea on Jul 8, 2024 17:48:20 GMT
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
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