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Post by althea on Jun 21, 2024 13:22:17 GMT
I am the consummate imperfectionist. " Good enough" always works for me................
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Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2024 13:30:48 GMT
I've just walked out of our One stop shop and there was a very short bloke wearing a Fez shouting, '" Just like that " as he got into his car..
I think it was a Mini Cooper!
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My fiancé left me because I couldn't play leapfrog properly.
I don't think I'll ever get over her now.
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Has anyone else tried WD40 on mice? It doesn’t work but it stops them squeaking.
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I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.
The local library wasn't happy about it.
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My ex wife texted me, "Wish you were here."
She does this every time she walks through a cemetery.
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I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you."
I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
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Better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
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My wife just told me that next time I criticise her cooking, I can fry my own salad.
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Post by althea on Jun 25, 2024 12:07:11 GMT
I've just started the Adam Ant diet.
Don't chew ever, don't chew ever,...
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Post by althea on Jun 25, 2024 12:21:50 GMT
If anyone tells you fairy tales aren't real, don't believe them. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
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Post by althea on Jun 25, 2024 12:23:16 GMT
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 25, 2024 12:27:15 GMT
I wasn't planning on going for a run today.
But the Police came out of nowhere.
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My great uncle drowned so at his funeral we had a wreath made for him in the shape of a lifebelt....well, it's what he would have wanted.
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I went to buy my wife some new lingerie.
I asked the assistant if a pair of knickers were satin, she said "No they're new."
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I often get a 147 when I play snooker.
Although there are other buses that stop outside the snooker club.
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I went to a Cannibal wedding in the Amazon jungle last week!
It was all going very well till the best man said he was going to Toast the Bride and Groom!
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I was in a restaurant yesterday and I said to the waitress "Can I ask you a question about the menu please?"
She said "The men I please has got nothing to do with you keep your nose out of my business."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2024 13:58:31 GMT
Yesterday I went to the wedding of a couple of young stable hands.
Made a lovely bridle and groom.
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Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin both knew how to leave audiences speechless.
I guess great mimes think alike.
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Had a brain Wave today, I've created an App to Ease Insomnia and called it 'Slumber'.
It let's you talk to other really boring people until you fall asleep.. it's on Line Sedating"
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I was dating the female uk fencing champion.
Now I just want to forget the whole sworded affair.
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I took four tyres to a friend’s garage sale and was asking £35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept £20 each," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tyres were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Twenty quid each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"
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Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars…I tried it for a month and put on three stone!
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I was in a Café happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police...
Said I was Dunkin' disorderly.
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: Yes, but I wasn't finished.
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Post by althea on Jun 27, 2024 18:13:17 GMT
For Sale: 46inch LG TV. Not smart TV, but has good personality. £40.
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Post by althea on Jun 28, 2024 13:51:38 GMT
This lady's brother-in-law came round and asked her where her OH was. She said, "In the garden - but you'll need a spade."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2024 8:38:52 GMT
I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.
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Post by althea on Jun 30, 2024 12:29:52 GMT
You haven't experienced true heartbreak, until you've been thinking about leftovers all day and come home to find someone has eaten them.
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Post by althea on Jun 30, 2024 12:30:31 GMT
Defibrillators repulse me!
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Post by althea on Jul 1, 2024 16:02:47 GMT
My wife gets annoyed the way I put my clothes away in my wardrobe.
She needs to go away on a hanger management course
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Post by althea on Jul 1, 2024 16:19:04 GMT
"Hello" "Hi" "How are you doing?" "Can we get straight to the scam? I'm pretty busy."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 3, 2024 10:32:03 GMT
This chap came up to me and offered Wembley Stadium, Wembley Arena and Wembley Conference Centre.
I thought, he's trying to give me a complex.
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I find it really difficult to separate fact from fiction.
I must be the world's worst librarian.
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ME: "Can we see the menu please?"
FRENCH WAITER: "Mais Oui."
ME: "Ok fusspot, MAY we see the menu please?"
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My wife reckons my eyesight is getting worse. I keep walking into things......pubs and betting shops mostly.
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My wife said 'l can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis'
I replied 'That's 15 love'
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If you‘re in a 70’s Swedish pop band and need to be measured for a watch, there’s a great place in Wales - ABBA wrist width.
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Today I've been listening to a Cassette of protest songs..
It's a Demotape....
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My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning.
I was powerless, it was a booby trap.
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