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Post by rondetto on Jun 8, 2024 10:23:14 GMT
How long was I at the laryngitis clinic?
About three hours, roughly speaking.
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Got a call from my GP today saying I've tested positive for Monkeypox and could I swing by the surgery.
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Chatting with my girlfriend's mother, l told her that we had been for a walk in the park and that they had lovely trees there.
"Juniper?" She asked?
"No! Never touched her" I replied.
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When I introduced my wife to my Mum so many years ago I will never forget Mum saying "you can do much better".
I said "Mum that's not nice to say about her." Then mum said: "I was talking to her not you."
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Paddy doing the crossword, says to mick, "Five letters, to egg on." Mick says: "Toast."
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I've got a few G.C.S.E maths books for sale.
£2 each or 3 for £10
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The manager of John O'Groats F.C has quit after a defeat from Lands End F.C
He said he's taken the team as far as they can go.
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Me texting the wife. "How do I set the washing machine?
Wife: "What are you washing?"
Me: "A t-shirt."
Wife: "What does it say on the t-shirt?"
Me: "Liverpool FC"
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I used to live in a giant tyre but it got a puncture
Now l live in a flat.
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Paddy's in the bathroom. Murphy shouts to him: "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy replies: "Yes I did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 10, 2024 15:13:53 GMT
A flying saucer landed at a petrol station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralysed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course, I know what 'UFO' means ........
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
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My mate is an opera singer and it’s his birthday soon.
But, what can you get for a tenor these days?
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Here's a thought, Why don't we replace Border Force
with a GP Receptionist
& then lets see who gets in.
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An old man suddenly arrived in Hell looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file. “This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.” The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” “Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out, and that’s when everything went crazy!
Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous! And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch? You don’t get how big this mouse was!. I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good! “So you killed it?” The Devil asked. The old man nodded.
It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.” “Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here. Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.” The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent thumbs up as the voice continued.
The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said, “You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”
“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”
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I heard the England team lost to Iceland recently.
I hope they put in a better performance against Tesco and Sainsbury.
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2024 15:45:12 GMT
My husband was in the bathroom. I shouted, "Did you find the shampoo?" He replied, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2024 15:46:46 GMT
What doesn't kill you mutates and then tries again........
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2024 15:48:10 GMT
I'm getting stronger with age. I can now lift £30 worth of groceries with one hand.
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2024 16:00:07 GMT
Women can't do without marriage - who'll steady the stepladder while they're painting the ceiling?
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2024 16:00:41 GMT
When engaging in conversation, it is helpful to ask questions that allow the other person to talk about themself:
Try, "What the Hell is wrong with you?"
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2024 16:01:23 GMT
Been in the concrete business for 30 years. I learned the hard way.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2024 15:18:48 GMT
My mate is an opera singer and it’s his birthday soon.
But, what can you get for a tenor these days?
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Here's a thought, Why don't we replace Border Force
with a GP Receptionist
& then lets see who gets in.
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"Mum I'm off out now"
"You're not leaving this house until you've changed that miniskirt."
"Why?"
"Because I can see your balls Richard."
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My mate is getting so upset because he says everyone is talking behind his back at work. I had to remind him, he's a bus driver.
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An ice cream van has caught fire on the M56. The area is surrounded with cones.
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Paddy strolls into work and the boss says: "You're over three hours late."
"I know I am ." says Paddy. "I came out of my house and the car wouldn't start, so I walked to my friend Murphy's house and he gave me a lift to work."
"But you live less than a mile from here," shouts his boss.
"I know I do," says Paddy. "But Murphy doesn't."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 14, 2024 9:52:00 GMT
Paddy and a monkey are shot into space both with envelopes to open with instructions inside.
The monkey opens his envelope first,
It says: Micky check all seals on hatches, make sure the oxygen equipment is working properly, check the computers by entering the secret code you memorised.
Paddy opens his envelope, It says: Feed the monkey.
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Customer: "I’m looking for something cheap but high quality."
Salesperson: "You’re in luck! This pen writes just like a £100 pen."
Customer: "How much is it?"
Salesperson: "£99.99."
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I saw an envelope on my doorstep that said 'Do Not Bend'
I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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This Friday Scotland play Germany at a 66,000 seated stadium. At the moment 33,000 seats have towels on them.
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I was once chatting to a young woman in a bar, and obviously I fancied her, it turned out she was a working girl, but I had no money, however I did have new pair of trainers, but she wasn't interested, I told her I was a great lover, lots of stamina, well endowed, she would not regret it, I could make her feel like most men couldn't, I was clean and healthy, and I promised her she would love it... so we made the deal... three minutes in she started writhing around, her legs wrapped around me, and she got into a position I'd not experienced before... I said, "I told you didn't I.." She said... "Don't flatter yourself, I'm just trying on the trainers..."
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I had the worst day ever yesterday, I paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he's done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another.
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Post by althea on Jun 16, 2024 13:32:11 GMT
'Police inspector demoted for selling trousers online... The Times
'Man fined £50 for not buying parking ticket blames puddle..... Eastern Daily Express.
'Appeal for information after large storage basket stolen from B & Q..... Scarborough News.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 17, 2024 14:53:21 GMT
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens.
They are calling it 'Apollo G'
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I came so close to winning the lottery jackpot on Saturday.
My next door neighbour won it.
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I failed my driving test for looking in the mirror too much.
I was only checking the sports pages.
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The government wants to ban tube trains, but that will just drive them underground.
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I went for a blood test, the Doctor said "The results don’t look good.”
I said "Oh god, why?” ....He said "The printer ran out of ink.”
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Did you know, If you carefully file down the edges of a 50 pence coin you can use it as a 10p..
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My son's at university studying violin and accountancy.
He'll never be out of work, - an accountant on the fiddle.
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I'm looking to buy an old disused lighthouse.
You know, nothing too flashy.
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Post by althea on Jun 20, 2024 15:31:23 GMT
Dance like no one is watching, but text like it will be read out in court one day.
Your lawyer.
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Post by althea on Jun 21, 2024 13:21:37 GMT
Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
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Post by althea on Jun 21, 2024 13:21:54 GMT
I would like things to spiral into control once in a while..................
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