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Post by althea on May 31, 2024 12:26:02 GMT
I got to the Kleptomaniac's annual convention fifteen minutes early - but all the seats had been taken.
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Post by althea on May 31, 2024 12:26:22 GMT
My husband is really mad that I have no sense of direction - so I picked up my stuff and right.
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Post by althea on May 31, 2024 12:29:52 GMT
I spilled Pepsi on my radio - now it only plays pop music.
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Post by althea on May 31, 2024 12:31:54 GMT
My brother is always talking about remote control aircraft, he just drones on and on.................
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Post by althea on May 31, 2024 12:34:15 GMT
If you're here for the yodelling lesson. Please form an orderly, orderly,orderly queue.
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Post by rondetto on May 31, 2024 16:19:29 GMT
An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone to his own mobile phone and took it with him to play golf.
The boss called and asked how everything was going at the office and the employee said fine.
The boss then said, "Move a little faster then, will you, I'm in the foursome on the green behind you."
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I have to replace a light bulb in my garage ceiling.
I’ll probably screw it up.
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WIFE on phone:"You left before I finished speaking. I wanted you to go to Holland & Barrett for me. Where are you?"
ME:"Holland.
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I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."
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I walked out of my job at the helium balloon factory.
I won't be spoken to in that tone of voice.
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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a new magazine rack!
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
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Post by althea on Jun 3, 2024 11:28:05 GMT
My boss told me, that as a security guard, one of my jobs is to watch the office. I'm on season six now, but no idea what it has to do with security...
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Post by althea on Jun 3, 2024 11:28:29 GMT
The old church was converted into a restaurant. When we went in they gave us Amenu.
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Post by althea on Jun 3, 2024 11:28:52 GMT
Someone told me that long time married couples can finish each other's sentences. I hadn't realized the prison system worked that way.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 4, 2024 16:20:01 GMT
Paddy doing the crossword, says to mick, "Five letters, to egg on." Mick says: "Toast."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 5, 2024 11:20:27 GMT
I used to date a girl with a wooden leg, But I had to Break it off.
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I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.
I've got back issues.
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Just received an email on how to read maps backwards.Its spam.
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A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick.
Impressed, I asked him how he did it.
He says "I can tell you, but I'd then have to kidnap you and take you away."
I said, "Can you tell my mother-in-law how it's done then?"
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My mate Dave moved house last week. I asked him why he'd moved.
He said: "I read that most car accidents happen within two miles of your home, so I moved five miles away."
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Does anyone know where I can get fresh ice cubes?
I don't want any of those frozen ones.
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Told my mum I was opening a theatre. She said "are you having me on".
I said " wasn't planning to, but, I'll give you an audition if you like".
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Charlie Sheen is American, Michael Sheen is British and Mr Sheen is Polish.
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HMS Victory , Portsmouth
TOUR GUIDE: "This plaque on the deck is the exact spot where Nelson fell."
ME: "I'm not surprised, I nearly tripped over the damn thing myself."
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Post by althea on Jun 5, 2024 14:22:32 GMT
At the local zoo, all the animals must do chores to earn their keep. The lion sweeps tonight.
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Post by althea on Jun 5, 2024 14:23:58 GMT
I had two eggs for breakfast. (Well, they were cream eggs) but the diet sheet wasn't specific.....
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Post by althea on Jun 5, 2024 14:24:22 GMT
To be ,or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
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Post by althea on Jun 5, 2024 14:24:44 GMT
Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. . It’s the reason I get up in the morning.
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