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Post by althea on May 25, 2024 18:42:31 GMT
I once paid £20 to see Prince live in concert. But I partied like it was £19.99.
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Post by althea on May 25, 2024 18:42:49 GMT
My cat swallowed all my scrabble pills so I took him to the vet.
He's checking him out.
No word yet.
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Post by althea on May 25, 2024 18:43:15 GMT
I don't know why women my age bother with Botox. Just going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
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Post by althea on May 25, 2024 18:44:28 GMT
Don't chase your dreams. Follow your dreams at a sustainable pace and wait until they are tired and lie down.
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Post by rondetto on May 26, 2024 13:55:28 GMT
I've got a friend who can only count up to three, but he still got a job.
He puts the crisps into Walkers crisp packets.
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A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are twenty £1 coins."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
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I spent last night defrosting the fridge, or foreplay as she likes to call it.
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Yesterday my wife saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned everywhere thoroughly.
Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
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Do you know:
A chicken pie in St. Lucia costs £1.45
A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs £1.65
A chicken pie in Dominica costs £1.20
These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
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Last night my wife sent me a text saying she was in casualty. When i got home I watched 50 minutes of it and never saw her once. She still hasn't come home yet, and I'm starving.
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Post by rondetto on May 28, 2024 16:37:25 GMT
My wife and i often laugh about how competitive we are
I laugh louder though.
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Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
"You won't believe this," she said, "but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!"
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A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law started reading "The Exorcist." She said it was the most evil book she had ever read. So evil in fact, that she couldn't finish it.
She took it and threw it off the cliffs and saw it splash into the ocean, all while holding her rosary beads.
I went to Waterstones and bought another copy, dropped it into the fish tank at work and left it for a day. Then I put it on her bedside table as she slept.
I tell you what, those screams were evil... so evil.
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Just bought a 75 inch TV to watch the Premier League season next season I've just opened the box and there are no Leeds....
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Found a chippy that serves fish and chips on photocopier paper.
It's a little plaice on the A4.
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I saw a woman talking to her cat, was obvious she thought the cat could understand her.
I told my dog, we couldn't stop laughing.
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I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
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Post by althea on May 29, 2024 12:38:44 GMT
I try to find the good in any situation. Oops, that's a typo. I meant food. I try to find the food in any situation.
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Post by althea on May 29, 2024 12:39:05 GMT
If you try to correct my grammar - I will think fewer of you.
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Post by althea on May 29, 2024 12:39:33 GMT
Why don't you see tortoises wearing scarves? They have turtlenecks.
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Post by althea on May 29, 2024 12:39:55 GMT
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
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Post by althea on May 29, 2024 12:40:14 GMT
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
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Post by althea on May 29, 2024 12:40:33 GMT
And there was the high-rise steelworker who said his job was simply riveting.
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Post by althea on May 29, 2024 12:41:56 GMT
Or the depressed duvet maker, who was always feeling a little down.
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Post by althea on May 31, 2024 12:25:17 GMT
I was trying to find the word imposter in the dictionary. It was next to impossible.
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Post by althea on May 31, 2024 12:25:38 GMT
My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I took a run up at it, but I still couldn't make it.
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