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Post by rondetto on May 21, 2024 11:01:01 GMT
A couple, Dave and Mabel, were staying at the Grand Hotel Llandudno -- fourth floor.
Dave calls the Hotel Manager "Come up quick. we've been arguing and Mabel wants to throw herself out of the window."
The manager replied "Sir, this is a personal matter, I can call sec....."
Dave interrupts "No, this is a maintenance issue -- The window won't open"
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There's a nudist convention at our local town hall next week.
Might go if l've nothing on.
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The person who invented the Ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry go round.
They travelled in different circles.
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Is anybody interested in a ride in a helicopter?
I need one person to accompany me next Sunday morning.
Departing from Hawarden Airport we will pass over Conwy Falls, along the Conwy River then down to Dolwyddelen and its ancient castles before heading north to Capel Curig. We’ll then head back to the Conwy River and Llanrwst, flying over Swallow Falls - the highest continuous waterfall in Wales - before returning to Hawarden Airport.
If anyone is interested, please message me!
Preferably someone with a helicopter, otherwise we can't go.
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I’ve just been reading a book about the man who invented superglue, I couldn’t put it down.
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Paddy in Wetherspoons.
How much is a pint?
It's £2.50 or £7 for a pitcher.
Stuff the photograph! Here's £2.50 for the pint.
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I dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.
I never caught it but at least l had a good run for my money.
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Post by althea on May 22, 2024 18:09:04 GMT
HE: Women don't look cute drinking. SHE: I'm not trying to look cute. I'm trying to make you look cute.
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Post by althea on May 22, 2024 18:09:46 GMT
I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.
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Post by althea on May 22, 2024 18:10:51 GMT
My wife told me off for playing my music too loud. I told her, Bose will be Bose.
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Post by althea on May 22, 2024 18:12:43 GMT
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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Post by rondetto on May 24, 2024 11:03:58 GMT
I asked my grandma how she was enjoying her new stair lift. she said it was driving her up the wall.
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I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop later. Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is superb.
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My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You had a really big head, you know."
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A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”
The friend replies, “What a shame, and after all the time you’ve been engaged too him too."
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My computer froze last night. I think I left too many windows open.
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We had a big BBQ yesterday, half the street were there, my sexy Chinese neighbour said she needed a good Roger, so I followed her into the bathroom and dropped my trousers, she started screaming and going all weird... turns out she wants to rent a room to someone....
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I’ll never forget the day I told my father I wanted to be a soldier. He turned me upside down and dipped me head first into a boiled egg.
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It's not my fault I have a double chin. When God said he was giving out chins, I thought he said gins. So I said I'll have a double.
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 13:54:57 GMT
Apparently I should only say, "My Goodness, how big you've grown," to children.
Adults tend to get offended.
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 13:55:23 GMT
Did you know that in every koi pond, there is always a fake? There’s the A koi, the B koi, the C koi, and then you have the D koi…
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 13:55:55 GMT
My optician and I don't see eye to eye.
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 13:56:33 GMT
To the person who put the word coffee to the word cake, thereby making it a breakfast food: I salute you, unnamed hero.
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 13:57:02 GMT
I'm just a person ,standing in front of a salad asking it to be a doughnut.
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 13:57:31 GMT
I have discovered there is only one way to look thin - hang out with fat people.
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 14:00:56 GMT
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
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Post by althea on May 24, 2024 14:01:22 GMT
My wife yelled from upstairs and said "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I replied, "No"
She said " How about now?"
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Post by rondetto on May 24, 2024 15:57:24 GMT
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the 'rattling' resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The activity finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again: "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No...
I'm Norwegian.
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