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Post by rondetto on Mar 31, 2024 10:54:26 GMT
So a young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.
“What have you done?” asked the priest.
“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.
“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.
“So what should I do father?” the man asked.
“Well” answered the priest, “you should get the hell out of here before it starts raining!”
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:04:16 GMT
Two plates are sitting on the table. One plate says to the other, "Tonight, the dinner's on me."
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:05:26 GMT
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegan. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:06:37 GMT
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now, when you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:07:19 GMT
I was fired from my job at the keyboard factory for not putting in enough shifts.
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:08:02 GMT
Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:08:58 GMT
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions.
Chocolate understands....
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:09:35 GMT
If you don't like the way I drive - then stay of the pavement.
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:10:02 GMT
Life is short - so smile while you still have teeth.
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2024 12:10:56 GMT
The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 31, 2024 15:17:10 GMT
Can I ask ADMIN where my post about my chiropractor problems have gone?
It’s about a weak back. ___
As Einstein said, don't believe everything you read on the internet. ___
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Post by rondetto on Apr 1, 2024 11:01:44 GMT
I've just swallowed some letters from my Scrabble set.
Going to the toilet later could spell trouble.😂
___
Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus...
Wife: What do you mean?
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!
Wife: AWESOME! You do that, I'll do a Mary and show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
The man stayed home.
___
Sad news…
My obese parrot died this morning.
Although I'm sad, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
___
A few days ago, one of my neighbours that doesn't have double glazing, had the main pane of glass fall out of their living room window.
They called a glazier who replaced it, but two days later the same thing happened again.
The glazier advised them that this is happening a lot in our area and went on to say that a local animal is eating the putty.
Our neighbours asked if he knows what kind of animal it is?
He told them that "Yes it's a cat....... a putty cat."
___
I had a date last night for the first time in a while.
I really enjoyed it.
Tonight I’m going to have a fig.
___
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2024 14:13:28 GMT
Father in a conversation with a neighbour...
First son: Degree in Economics
Second son: MBA
Third son: PhD
Fourth son: Thief
Neighbour: "Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house?"
Father: "He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed."
___
Half way through my night shift this morning I wasn’t feeling too well so I headed home. I opened the door and headed up to bed, being careful not to tread the stairs too hard as I didn’t want to wake my wife. I opened the bedroom door to find my wife and my best mate in bed together. I screamed “ What the bloody hell is going on here?” To which they both shouted “ Ha. April fool...got you”.
"Tell you what, that was a good one. I admit they had me there."
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I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there.
They have no wife to go home to... or they do!
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Bought a second hand deep fat fryer today, got it home and found it's got a chip in it.
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I’m getting totally fed up with people whining about the price of things..
£1.25 for a tea
£1.75 for a coffee
£2.00 for a slice of cake
£2.50 for car parking
Any more complaints and I will stop inviting friends round to the house.
___
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2024 11:13:03 GMT
Just bumped into an old mate today. I said, "What are you doing these days?"
He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, *** heads and down and outs."
I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"
He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"
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Got my water bill today for the last 3 months. £250!
Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month...
I Think I'll be changing my supplier!
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The Man Utd team visited an orphanage in Manchester today. "It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Ben, age six.
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Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed, one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can't."
Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"
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I bought a dog off a blacksmith today
As soon as l got it home it made a bolt for the door.
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Got a stair lift 4 weeks ago, l got them to take it back it was driving me up the wall.
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Post by althea on Apr 4, 2024 14:36:52 GMT
Barn Owls must have got very excited when the first barn was built.
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