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Post by rondetto on Mar 28, 2024 13:31:31 GMT
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the Ringmaster.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"
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My wife says that my willy reminds her of a supermarket.
“Because it’s large, well stocked and always fulfils all your needs?” I asked.
“No” she said, “because it’s Lidl”.
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I got sacked from the ice cream factory yesterday because l can't work Sundaes.
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I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today...
I asked her, “When’s it due?”
She replied, “I’m not bloody pregnant you rude ***!”
I said, “I meant the bus you fat bitch!”
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BREAKING NEWS: The English Cricket team have officially beaten the Wuhan street markets with the worst use of a bat in recorded history!
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My wife is doing an experiment. She's wearing a Man Utd shirt for a week to get peoples reactions. She's been kicked, punched and spat on so far! Christ knows what's going to happen when she actually leaves the house!
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Post by althea on Mar 28, 2024 16:24:44 GMT
Dad: The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn. Family: Okay, so? Dad: Now I have a stable WiFi.
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Post by althea on Mar 28, 2024 16:36:29 GMT
I’ve got a friend who eats frozen apples. That's proper hard core.
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Post by althea on Mar 28, 2024 16:36:48 GMT
My computer's got a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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Post by althea on Mar 28, 2024 16:37:09 GMT
I bought an impressionist painting of some flowers, but when I got back home, the cat scratched it. Now I’m trying to sell it as a Clawed Monet.
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Post by althea on Mar 28, 2024 17:40:22 GMT
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
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Post by althea on Mar 28, 2024 17:44:54 GMT
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 29, 2024 12:31:02 GMT
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?"
I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she’s an optician!"
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Girlfriend: "Babe I want and really like these pair of shoes but I left my purse at home."
Me: "How much are they?"
GF: "£750."
Me: Opens wallet...
GF: Excited...
Me: "Here's £10. Get a taxi and go fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here!"
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"Does anybody remember the good old days before Twitter, Facebook and Instagram when we used to take a picture of our dinner, take the roll of film to get developed and go around our friends houses to show them?"
"No?"
"Me neither, now put that damn camera away."
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A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a bloody what?"
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A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He said. "I'm bloody soaking."
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Post by althea on Mar 30, 2024 13:33:57 GMT
I crashed the Dads Only meeting, and ended up ruffling a few fathers.
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Post by althea on Mar 30, 2024 13:34:26 GMT
I'm not worth enough to be kidnapped. That's just my ransom observation.
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Post by althea on Mar 30, 2024 13:34:41 GMT
I bumped my head on a shiny black table and passed out. I guess it was a veneer death experience.
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Post by althea on Mar 30, 2024 15:01:07 GMT
“Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” -
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Post by althea on Mar 30, 2024 15:01:37 GMT
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
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Post by althea on Mar 30, 2024 15:02:12 GMT
“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” -Dorothy Parker
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Post by althea on Mar 30, 2024 15:03:14 GMT
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” -Joan Rivers
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